


Le Problème avec L'anxiété

by SianRuns



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-12
Updated: 2016-07-29
Packaged: 2018-06-01 22:23:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 36,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6538876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SianRuns/pseuds/SianRuns
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I try my best to reply as calmly and as reassuringly as possible, but I feel sick. Sick with worry, sick with tiredness and sick of pretending everything is peachy – like the two of us are not missing out on something bigger. It’s not that I want to lie, but I cannot break her heart and I will not – and for her to know how I feel will do just that. I never expected anyone to understand, but as far as I am concerned, it is Cosima’s happiness that means the absolute most to me - even if it means destroying me in the process.</p><p>A story written from Delphine's point of view about the good and bad times with having a loved one with Anxiety Disorder. </p><p>Trigger warnings for anyone sensitive to themes relating to the above.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic for a very long time - so I apologies in advance for any tense issues!  
> I'm not sure where this story is going to take me, nor am I sure how it will be received.  
> But I wanted to write about something from experience.  
> Please be careful if you are sensitive to themes relating to Anxiety Disorder.

Le Problème avec L'anxiété

Prologue

 

It wasn’t always this way.

 

But this is my story.

 

The linoleum floor was incredibly uncomfortable. An uneven floorboard presses awkwardly into my knees as I lower myself to her level. The boisterous spluttering of the water filling the tub is masked by the sound closest to my ears, the grating sound of heavy gasps of breath against tight lungs and constricted airways. It was a sound that sent tension ripping through my body and made my heart pound in my chest.

 

She too is sitting on the incommodious floor, back leaning against the cool side of the tub; a slight shiver rippling across her skin as the cool seeps through her thin shirt. However her experience is at least cushioned by the soft white bath rug beneath her rear. Her knees are drawn tight against her chest, arms wrapping firmly around them, desperately trying to pull them impossibly closer.

 

The fingers that were resting on her legs are worrying at the fabric of the purple starred pajama bottoms. The material has not been overly forgiving to the nails scratching in repeating gestures over an extended period of time, and small holes are beginning to wear at the knees.

 

I gently reach out to grasp her uneasy hands in mine, pulling them from their frivolous movements. I am met with a slight resistance, but I just tug harder to make my intentions clearer. I know that it is vital to pull her from her own thoughts, to bring her back to the present and back to me.

 

Eventually she relaxes enough to release her hands, following the direction of my own in their journey towards my lap. Once there, I let my fingers draw idle patterns on the soft skin of her palms. The tension in my own body softens a little when I hear her release a content sigh in amongst the now quieting pants.

 

We stay like this for a while. The breaths eventually slowing further and her body that was earlier stiff against the bath, begins to slump as her whole posture mellows out.

 

She takes a final shuddery breath and the eyes that were squeezed tight shut behind thick black frames, begin to open searching for my own, squinting slightly to adjust to the bright light of the bathroom.

 

One of her hands leaves my own briefly, just long enough to wipe the small amount of perspiration from her forehead and sweep the stray dreads from her cheeks. But I miss its warmth immediately and find myself tugging the hand back to my lap as soon as she is finished.

 

It is in moments like this that the boundaries blur and I can’t tell who needs the security of the other the most. I believe I know which way around the responsibilities should fall, but I can’t help but feel just as vulnerable.

 

Her hand twitches lightly in mine, which pulls me from my thoughts. She gives me a shy half smile, it doesn’t reach her eyes but I recognise it as a silent que that this episode – for now – is over. I take the opportunity to release the pressure from my sore knee-caps and stand to take care of the close to overflowing bath tub.

 

Once the pour of water ceases, I lean over still standing and gently place a hand on the top of her head stroking through dark brown hair. I feel her learn her head towards my touch and burrow against it, a light hum leaving her lips. That same hand then reaches out to cup the side of her face, and I run my fingers along her cheeks, tracing the outline of her jaw.

 

Upon noticing the uncomfortable bend in my back, without uttering a single word she pushes her hand up towards me opening and closing her palm - much like a child that wants to be held, signalling to me that she is ready to be assisted in standing.

 

With a slight grunt, I haul her up as gently as I can onto two feet. She may be tiny, but I am not known for my strength. She sways a little, then once I am certain she is steady I brush the untidy blonde locks from my face and lift my arms up to stretch out my back – milking it slightly to see how she reacts, trying to will a bit of playfulness from her.

 

She flashes me a proper grin this time, eyes flicking up from where they had been focussed on the bare skin that had been revealed at the bottom of my shirt during the stretch. With a slight shake of my head and a quiet chuckle I begin to undress her; being careful to remove her glasses before pulling the oversized grey shirt from her petite frame.  

 

I made quick work of the pyjama bottoms, now too large, they slide easily over jutting hip bones and pale skin, as does her underwear. After she is fully undressed I pull her towards me in a tight embrace, enjoying the feeling of her warm skin against my bare arms. We break apart only so I can press a chaste kiss upon her lips. She nuzzles her nose against mine and I feel more than hear, the light chuckle through her chest.

 

“Come on; let’s get you in the tub.” She gives me another smile, slightly cheekier this time. Her delicate pink tongue is just poking out between her teeth, eyebrows raised in jest.

 

Not unlike Bambi, she struggles to find her footing at first. _As if she wasn’t clumsy enough before…_ But I proceed with helping her into the tub, the water threatening to flow over the sides as she slides into the warm liquid right up to her neck.

 

“Delphine…” There was a long pause. “You know that I am sorry, right?” she spoke so softly, her voice breaking on the last word. The earnest apology was not the first, and it certainly wouldn’t be the last. In fact, it became an element in conversation almost every day we spent together – not that either of us is proud to admit it.  

 

My knees crack and groan as I once again lower myself to her level, arm hanging over the side of the bath, my fingers swishing through the hot water creating smooth ripples on the surface. I watch them for a while, not particularly thinking about anything, just watching the strokes fade out along the surface with every twitch of my hand. It is a welcome break for us both to be able to shut of our rambunctious thoughts and just relish in the simple moments.

 

Eventually though, they travel further into the water and I begin tracing designs across the plains of her stomach. Dipping playfully into her belly button and back out again. There is a slight shadow of ribs where soft curves once laid and her collar bones are much too prominent.

 

I don’t feel the need to reply to her hanging question. Instead, with my free hand I grab the yellow plastic duck off the side and fill it with water. We watch the air bubble out as I squeezed harder – waiting in anticipation. Without warning I yank the duck from the water and unleash the spray of water in her direction, liquid shooting from his orange beak and only narrowly missing her face.

 

I need to improve my aim.

 

I earn myself a real laugh for that, and I watch and feel her stomach tense under my palm as the sounds leave her lips. Whilst I am distracted by her melodious giggles she grabs the duck from my grasp and holds it pointed straight at me, ready to take her revenge. A mischievous look washes over her delicate features.

 

“Cosima…” I warned. “You do not want to start this fight.”

 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

As I predicted, not much longer passed and I was stripping off my damp clothing and climbing into the small tub, the water for a second time this evening threatening to leave its bounds. It is safe to say my warning had only further fuelled her desire to disobey my request.

 

It is only then, in the comfort of the warm water limbs tangling together in the small space that she speaks again, the lighter atmosphere beginning to fade.

 

“I am sorry. You know I wish things were different. I hate letting you down more than anything. You do so much and give up so much for me and I cannot even do the simplest of things for you.” She whispers and my stomach churns hard.

 

“Cosima, please. Don’t. I know. None of this is your fault.”

 

I try my best to reply as calmly and as reassuringly as possible, but I feel sick. Sick with worry, sick with tiredness and sick of pretending everything is peachy – like the two of us are not missing out on something bigger. It’s not that I want to lie, but I cannot break her heart and I will not – and for her to know how I feel will do just that. I never expected anyone to understand, but as far as I am concerned, it is Cosima’s happiness that means the absolute most to me - even if it means destroying me in the process.

 

“The event, it is not that important. My colleagues will barely notice my absence. An open bar will do that to people… and after all, it is just an evening of posh food, small portions and lots of speeches” I trail off thinking about what we are absent from tonight…

 

I had managed to land myself a job in my field straight out of University. It came as a surprise but I accepted it without hesitance. Tonight we were meant to be attending an event to celebrate the companies 50th anniversary; it would have been my first chance to introduce Cosima to my colleagues. I had spent months telling them all about her and I had been excited at the prospect of them finally meeting.

 

“What is important is that you feel safe and at least we have each other. _Je t’aime_ Cosima.” I finish.

 

“I love you too Delphine, but don’t you want to be out there? Instead of cooped up inside with me all the time. Everyone else our age is out living their lives...” Cosima says sadly.

 

“ _Non_. You are my life.” I place my hand on her chest and lean forward the best I can in my compromising position to place a gentle kiss on her lips. “We will get there in time, and it will all be worth the journey.” I try to comfort her.

 

But again, however much I want my words to ring true I can’t help the uneasiness that rises in my chest upon their release. Believe me when I say I love Cosima with everything I have, no doubt about it. I just couldn’t shake the voice in the back of my mind telling me that she is no longer wholly the girl I fell in love with anymore.

 

The Cosima I fell in love with is cocky and radiates confidence, she is strong willed and powerful, and she could sure as hell light up a whole room with her presence. She won me over with her passion and intellect along with her undeniable wit and charm. She would have thrived at the party we were meant to be attending.

 

There are still moments now when this Cosima appears in front of me. Moments when I can almost convince myself that she is back. But they are now spreading fewer and father between. There are more frequent occurrences like tonight, and she spends less time smiling her toothy grins.

 

She is still as stunningly beautiful as ever, even with the shadows of her bone structure pushing through tight skin, and the smiles that don’t always reach her eyes. Sometimes, it makes me love her more. She is something special that girl. But to my dismay, sometimes it also makes me resent her and have hard feelings about what we are going through.

 

In a way, she is all I have. My parents are not too supportive of my decision to look after her. It isn’t the sexuality thing – more that they cannot understand why the light doesn’t always shine in my eyes anymore, or understand why my smiles have been replaced with early creases in my skin and why dark bags take residence under my eyes almost permanently. I guess I am not truly alone, but I feel alone in this.

 

I could never give myself credit for being strong. Cosima is my rock, and I am used to leaning on her in hard times. She was forward thinking and always had a plan up her sleeve.

 

But now, my Cosima is an empty shell of her former self, swallowed by her own mind and her own anxiety. The girl I fell in love with is, is essentially gone and I constantly mourn her and our happier memories.

 

She is lost and in turn, I am beginning to lose myself.

 

And we began to lose us.

 

But it wasn’t always this way.

 

And this is my story.


	2. A Chance Meeting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to say a quick thank you to everyone who left Kudos and comments on the first chapter!
> 
> I really appreciate the support :)
> 
> Please enjoy the next installment.
> 
> We start from the beginning here, so it is a lot lighter than the previous chapter.
> 
> \---------------------------------------------------------------------

“Hey Delphine, have you ever tried Sapphire dating?” A close friend from my course had questioned one evening during a study session. The query echoed loudly against the high ceilings of the near deserted library. Whilst many students would be at home applying copious amounts of make-up, bathing in aftershave and necking cans of cheap bargain cider by 9pm on a Friday night, I was up to my neck in dusty text books preparing for a presentation the coming Monday.

 

But a silent library was something to be thankful for. It was a distinctly different atmosphere to that of the usual hustle and bustle of busy students, comparing notes and discussing the debaucheries of the night before.

 

The soft yellow glow of the street lamps filtered through the black framed sash windows. There was a heavy pitter-patter of rain striking the skylights on the ceiling. You could just about hear the subdued sound of pedestrian footsteps splashing through puddles and the hum of busy chatter on the street outside the library. It served as a pleasant white noise, one which I was familiar working to.

 

Living in an apartment on campus was full of both positives and negatives. Although campus was constantly alive with throngs of undergraduates - even into the early hours of the morning – being that close to the heart of the university and only five minutes from classes was advantageous. I shared the apartment with three others – which also had its own ups and downs. 

 

I pulled the pencil from behind my ear and positioned it on my current page to act as a placeholder. Once the page was marked I glanced up from the text book to answer the question. She looked eagerly in my direction, trying to encourage an answer from me.

 

“Er, _non_ I haven’t, nor do I plan to start!” I exhaled harshly. I did not have the energy to enter into another debate about my current relationship status, and how long it had been that way. I was not too content at the idea of having anything distract me from my studies – and any sort of relationship would be just that.

 

“Well, what would you say if you knew I had already set up a profile for you?” My companion queried hesitantly. “There are proven results! Look here, Samantha lived happily ever after with James after meeting on Sapphire.” She grew more confident as her little speech progressed and raised her eyebrows at me expectantly, hazel eyes searching for my own.

 

I threw my head into my hands in exasperation. Never in a million years was I going to win this argument.

 

“You do realise that they make those stories up, don’t you?” I chuckled, lifting my head from my palms to look at the tiny woman sat opposite me. She was all petite features and soft wavy brown hair, stunningly beautiful and popular with both the men and women. She was the closest friend I’d had since I moved away from home and we just understood each other on another level.

 

“Yes, but I had to try something to make you consider it! Maybe you can meet your very own James… or even Jemma…?” She bit back a laugh, her eyes wrinkling in the process.

 

“Wow okay that is enough, Beth! Can we just carry on with the presentation please? We’ve still got a few hours of work left and it would be great if we could actually finish tonight, instead of wasting time discussing my love life!” Shaking my head with a grin on my face, I reached out to remove the pencil from its position marking my page and got ready to continue writing notes.

 

“Okay okay, just promise me you will have a go.”

 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

So that is how I found myself testing out the ‘proven results’ of Sapphire dating the next evening. Beth was out with a couple of friends from her lectures – although we were taking the same degree, the sheer volume of students meant that the course was essentially split into two groups that ran alongside each other. My flatmates were also out. A party across the street had piqued their curiosity and they had left the apartment at 7.30pm. It was the same party that Beth had set her sights on for the night.

 

Not one for considerable gatherings, I remained home to tidy up loose ends for Monday’s deadline. The noise from across the street become an almost unbearable distraction around 11.30pm, the volume of people had increased and with that so had the volume of the music and conversations.

 

I meticulously made my way through the long lists of questions; there were elements that Beth had not been able to fill out when she was creating the account. Until one request in particular caught my eye.

 

“How important is it to you that your parents like your partner?”

 

That one struck a chord deep inside me. I was yet to tell my parents that I was more drawn to women than men and hadn’t a clue where to start. The question was too much too soon. Panic set in and I quickly closed the lid of the laptop, almost slamming it shut. Coming out to my parents is not something I had time to deal with right now. I also found myself not wanting to share that part of me until I had made a proper decision.

 

I sighed heavily, slid the laptop from my knee and placed it gently onto the worn brown leather seat cushion next to me. I laid my head against the back rest and breathed deeply. God, the house was a mess. It was a real student house, an open plan living/dining/kitchen area. It seemed that it was once painted light blue, but the wear and tear of previous tenants left it dull and scuffed. There were also chunks of plaster missing from parts of the wall. How that happened I had no idea.

 

The coffee table in front of me was piled high with used glasses and plates with nothing left but crumbs on them. The kitchen worktops were covered in cans and bottles of left-over alcohol from previous parties and further filthy plates.

 

The absence of cleanliness was not for lack of trying on my part, trust me. But there were only so many times a week I could make time to clean the room from top to bottom, especially with the demanding nature of my degree. The majority of the little free time I got was spent studying or down in the lab testing hypotheses for my papers.

 

After a while, it was easy to become accustomed to the general disarray of the apartment. I learnt quickly to keep my own crockery packed neatly away in a cupboard that I made very clear was out of bounds to the others – and I was thankful that they respected that. It wasn’t that I had a bad relationship with my flatmates, in actual fact we were quite close. I was just not one for having to eat from pots that had been sat in the sink of greasy water for a week.

 

I must have drifted off to sleep, for I was awoken some time later to the vibration of my phone in my pocket. I fumbled around, stretching out my curled legs so that I could pull the device from my sweatpants.

 

“ _Allô_?” I said wearily into the receiver.

 

“Delphine, its Beth!” Her excitable voice was almost lost in the background noise of the party. “You should totally get over here. This party is THE best!” No, the racket of the festivities was not the only reason I couldn’t make out her words. She was slurring. A lot.

 

It wasn’t the first time I had been to rescue Beth from a night out. I knew even now where the conversation was going to end. So I pulled myself up from the couch and searched my way down the dimly lit hallway to my room.

 

“How much have you had to drink?” I asked whilst I tugged a fresh pair of tight jeans over my hips. If I was going over the street to bail her out I needed to at least look presentable. I held the phone away from my ear as I yanked a maroon vest over my head. The small zip pocket on the chest caught in my blonde curls. But luckily I could still hear Beth shouting down the mobile from its distance.

 

“Not even that much Del, but there is someone here that you need to meet.” The ridiculous over emphasis on the word ‘need’ made me chuckle. Like my future depended on meeting this random party guest. I glanced hurriedly in the mirror and with my hand tried to flatten some of the more adventurous of my curls. A flick of eyeliner later and I looked respectable enough to head on over.

 

“ _Oui_ , Beth. I am on my way. I will be there in a few minutes. Please try to stay out of trouble meanwhile!”

 

“Don’t you worry your pretty little head!” She incoherently garbled one last time before I ended the call.

 

I did not plan to spend long at the get-together, so instead of opting for fancier shoes I slung on a comfortable pair of worn burgundy converse. The colour was a near enough match to my top. To complete my outfit, I threw a smart black blazer over my shoulders. Although it was late spring, it still wasn’t warm enough to be out in merely a vest.

 

As soon as I opened the front door to my apartment block I could hear the music blaring from across the street. Some of the attendees were spread out across the pavements huddled in bustling groups, taking drags of cigarettes.

 

I pushed through a few smaller groups mingling by the doorway and entered the apartment building. I followed my ears to where the sounds were brashest. The fact that the door was propped open with an empty wine bottle was a sure enough clue that the main action was happening in apartment 324.

 

I knew where I would find Beth, so I aimed straight for the kitchen. Of course, there she was perched upon the worktop with a can of beer in her hand and a crowd of individuals around her. As I said, she was stunning and people gravitated to her.

 

I stood for a while leaning against the doorway to the kitchen, just watching Beth interact with those around, her head thrown back with laughter at their jokes.

 

When she finally noticed me she squealed vociferously and threw herself off the counter to wrap me in a tight hug, the beer sloshing out of the top of the can and onto her tight black dress.

 

“Whoops! I’m so glad you made it Del…” she breathed in my ear and wobbled. But I stuck my arm out just in time and caught her.

 

I held her at arm’s length and twisted her around so she was facing away from me. I guided her towards the sofa in the next room and plonked her down. She was still cradling her beer between her palms.

 

“I’m going to fetch you some water, stay.” I warned. The state she was in, I doubted very much that she had just been drinking beers.

 

Beth smiled a dopey grin. “Yes, babe.” She drew out and emphasised the last word, knowing how little I cared for the term.

 

For the second time tonight I fought my way back through the crowds to the kitchen in search of a clean glass and a tap to fill it. I had to excuse myself as I moved a cluster of students that were gathered around the sink. Many of them swayed and stumbled as they moved to a new location.

 

The entire apartment had been turned upside down and I found myself feeling glad for the state of ours – which looked clean and well-kept in comparison. The smell of stale alcohol burned my nose and my shoes were stuck to the wood laminate flooring. Empty cans and bottles littered both the ground and worktops and I tripped on a discarded pizza box on my way back to find Beth.

 

Thankfully she was exactly where I’d left her. But she wasn’t alone. A mysterious figure was perched on the arm of the couch. I could only see the back of the woman, her dark hair was in dreads and drawn into a messy bun at the rear of her head. She wore a burgundy jumper covered with Aztec patterns and a tight black skirt that finished above her knee. She had burgundy knee-high socks to match, olive skin poked out from the gap between the socks and her skirt and oddly, she wore no shoes.

 

As I approached Beth water in hand, the heavy force of a careless drunk came at me from the side and knocked me flying… Straight into the strangers lap, the glass that was full now severely lacked any volume of liquid.

 

“ _Je suis_ _vraiment désolé!”_ I exclaimed and quickly removed myself from the woman’s body; sharp electrical pulses ran through my fingers where they ended up; grasped at the skin amid her socks and skirt. I felt the heat rush to my cheeks as I stumbled backwards to create some space between us.

 

The woman was looking at me curiously, a slight smirk playing at the corner of her lips. I sensed something inside me shift at that moment. She was the most beautiful woman I had ever laid eyes on and I could feel my heart thudding in my chest.

 

“Woah Del, watch out!” Beth was creased over in amusement, tears threatening to spill at the crooks of her eyes. I shot her a warning glance and she ceased slightly.

 

Beth spoke again. “Delphine, meet Cosima. She was the one I rang to tell you about. Though… this wasn’t how I imagine you two meeting.” She waggled her eyebrows suggestively. I shot her another cautionary stare, effectively silencing her this time. The poor woman before me was desperately trying to dry her lap with a napkin someone had left on the coffee table. I couldn’t have felt more embarrassed if I had tried.

 

“Er, enchantée Cosima.” I tried to keep my voice from trembling but it betrayed me and her name on my lips was barely a whisper. My hand quivered as I extended it towards her even though I willed it to stay steady.

 

“Enchantée Delphine.”

 


	3. In the Gutter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a note to say thank you for all of the support so far - it makes me so smiley!
> 
> Please enjoy this chapter :)
> 
> Good night!

“ _Enchant_ ** _é_** _e_ ” she replied confidently. The smirk from earlier was back on her face in full force and I could just about see her tongue poked out between white teeth.

 

“It is nice to finally meet you Delphine. Beth has spoken about you so much.”

 

I groaned internally at the thought. Beth and I would be having serious words when I finally got her home. What on earth had she told this beautiful stranger about me? When I glanced at her still slumped on the sofa, she had a look of a cat that got the cream. This was planned. Well, apart from the moment in which I tipped an entire glass of water over Cosima’s lap. _Mon dieu_ , I was so embarrassed.

 

I snapped out of my inner conversation when a hand waved in front of my face, numerous bracelets were wrapped around the wrists and they jangled with the movement. The two pairs of eyes were staring at me with curious expressions and I realised I probably hadn’t spoken for a couple of minutes.

 

Beth was now stood up, hand on Cosima’s shoulder for support. She was swaying heavily, her face paled and she began to turn green.

 

“Outside now, Beth!” I grabbed the girl’s shoulders for a second time tonight and steered her out of the busy apartment. Cosima trailed behind me, hot on my heels. Thankfully we had reached fresh air before she vomited all over the pavement.

 

“ _Merde_ … Wow, I bet this is not what you had in mind for tonight, Cosima.” I chuckled. One hand held Beth’s hair from her face and the other rubbed soothing circles on her back. I twisted my head as I spoke to Cosima.

 

She looked odd. Her eyes were screwed shut and I could see the cogs turning in her mind, like she was having an internal battle. Her feet were planted firmly on the ground and her body was rigid. I’m pretty sure I could hear her whispering gently under her breath.

 

Beth shifted under my grasp and grateful for her light frame, I hoisted her up onto my back. When I again turned to Cosima her eyes were open, a small smile playing on her lips directed at my display with Beth. I must have been imagining things, it was past 1am and I was exhausted.

 

Cosima’s laughed. “I take it this happens a lot?” She gestured towards the sleeping girl on my back. She was out cold. I could feel the wet patch beginning to build on my shoulder, the brisk wind emphasising it.

 

“ _Oui_ , Beth knows how to party that is for sure. Listen, I am going to take her back to my apartment. Sorry that we had to meet this way.” I said shyly and another blush crept onto my rosy cheeks.

 

With a flick of her hand Cosima had waved goodbye and I turned to head back over the street, Beth’s weight started to make my biceps burn.

 

“Delphine, wait!” I heard her shout over the crowds of students still littered outside the block. “Please can I take you out? Y’know, er for coffee… or something.” She trailed off. She looked nervous? The lamplight cast soft shadows over her exquisite bone structure.

 

“Like a date?” I asked tentatively.

 

“Yes.”

 

“Oh, er _oui,_ Cosima I would like that. And I am sorry about the water...” I tripped over my words but I smiled sincerely. Yes, any excuse to spend more time with the wonderful creature in front of me. We swapped numbers and I made my way home leaving the noise and excitement behind. Then it dawned on me. Cosima still wasn’t wearing any shoes.

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------

 

I woke the next morning with my nose pressed tightly against the cool wall of my bedroom. When I tried to gain some distance I was hit with a wall of resistance behind me. I wriggled out of the tight space and sat up. Beth was sprawled across the majority of the double bed like a starfish, navy sheets wrapped around her middle.

 

I rubbed the sleep from my eyes; it was only just past 10am according to the clock on the side table. By the time I had got Beth out of her dress and into some of my pyjamas, it was well into the early hours of the morning before we finally reached the bed. Thank god it was a Sunday today.

 

The university rooms were nothing special; they consisted of a black metal bed frame with a beech side table and a beech wood desk that ran the length of the room. It featured one wardrobe and the walls were cream painted breeze blocks. The only thing that made it different to any other apartment were the posters I had purchased from the campus shop in a desperate attempt to make it feel less like a prison cell.

 

“Hey, sleepy head wake up!” I shook her gently. The body under my fingertips stirred and I noticed the change in breathing as she roused.

 

“Owww, Del my head is banging.” She carefully opened one eye.

 

“It is no wonder! If you shift I will get out of bed and grab you some aspirin. But you are kind of blocking my only exit right now.”

 

“I can’t move, I think I am dying.”  She groaned theatrically and drew her hand against her chest.

 

“You are such a drama queen, Beth!” I swatted her playfully. “Now move it.”

 

“Hmm, you sure are bossy.” With that she drew her limbs in and rolled to one side so that I could slip past her and out of the bed.

 

I walked over to the desk and searched for the aspirin I knew was there somewhere. It was a little untidy for my liking, unorganised papers and text books were strewn across the surface. Unfortunately as much I liked order, I had a tendency to become messy when under pressure with studies.

 

“Aha! Aspirin. Catch!” I tossed the crinkling blister pack and a bottle of water towards the general direction of the bed. I grabbed my phone and plonked myself down on the swivel chair, feet rested upon the desk top. I had a new message.

 

**Did you still fancy that drink? Cosima.**

 

I felt the butterflies rise in my stomach as I read the text and excitedly tapped out a reply.

 

**_Bonjour_ ** **Cosima. _Oui_ , what do you have in mind? Delphine.**

 

I had barely put the phone down for 30 seconds before I heard it vibrate with her response.

 

**I’ll pick you up at 6pm. Wear something comfortable. Cosima.**

 

This was real and this was happening. Yesterday I was unsure of where my life was headed; my only real care was getting a respectable grade for my degree. But thanks to Beth’s drunken escapades I found myself about to go out for coffee, with a _girl…_  on _date._  

 

Nonetheless I was excited at the prospect of change and the new direction my life was about to take – even if it meant having to talk to my parents in a nearer future than I had imagined.

 

“What’s got you looking so smug?”

 

“Cosima. She asked me to go out for coffee with her?” I said hesitantly.

 

“Delphine’s got a date!” Beth chanted enthusiastically from her duvet cocoon.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Later that evening at 6:10pm the buzzer in the hallway sounded. I charged out of my room, stumbling over a pair of shoes in the doorway and went to press the door release to let Cosima upstairs.

 

It had taken two hours for me to settle on my outfit. I adopted a similar style to the night before. I chose dark grey skinny jeans and coupled it with a white tank, black bra showing underneath. It was comfortable as per request, but still sassy. I had tried my best to tame my hair into gentle waves instead of uncontrollable curls and I had applied a light layer of eyeliner and blusher.

 

There was a dainty tap at the door to signify her arrival. I straightened my clothes one last time before I swung open the door to the apartment, nerves rippling through my system, awakening the butterflies in the pit of my stomach.

 

“Sorry!” She exclaimed. “Am I ridiculously late?” She shuffled her weight between her feet.

 

“ _Non_ , not at all.”

 

“I’m kind of always late, so kind of always sorry.” Cosima smiled sheepishly.

 

“Shall we?” I motioned towards the hallway with my hand.

 

“Yes, absolutely!”

 

It was a lovely evening outside, so we decided to walk to our destination and the university was located closely to the city. The sun was still fairly high in the sky, not due to set until after 8pm and there was still a tender heat to it when not in the shadows. Campus was oddly quiet but it made for a beautiful atmosphere and gave Cosima and I plenty of time to talk idly. The leisurely pace gave me chance to admire her outfit, a maroon tight fitted dress, patterned tights and a huge scarf wrapped around her neck to ward off the chilled breeze.

 

As we strolled through the streets I noticed how short Cosima was compared to me even with her heeled ankle boots.

 

“You are _so_ tiny.” I wondered out loud.

 

 “Hey, well maybe you are just really tall?” She shot back.

 

“ _C’est vrai_. Cosima, we have passed the coffee shop?”

 

“Oh right, yes! So I was thinking that coffee was boring and that we should definitely do something more exciting. Unless you really wanted to go for coffee? I don’t even like coffee... ” She finished off.

 

“What did you have in mind _mon amie_?” I tested the words, but really wanted replace _amie_ with _chérie._

 

“Bowling!” Cosima hollered at the top of her voice.

 

_Mon dieu_ , what have I got myself in for?

 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

The bowling alley was bustling with students and families alike. After I had picked up the bill – not before fighting over who was going to pay – we continued to the next counter, swapped over our shoes and got the lane number.

 

“Come’on, Delphine!” Cosima tugged at my hand with excitement. I felt the tingling shockwave again, not unlike the one at the party when my fingers grazed her bare skin. Her head whipped around to look at me, deep brown eyes framed with thick black eye-liner gazing into my own, her mouth cocked up in a smirk. She had felt it too.

 

A child in the midst of a tantrum brought us from our private moment and still holding my hand tightly she dragged me towards the selection of balls adorning the sides of the lanes. The balls were battered and looked like they desperately needed a clean. Their formerly smooth surfaces were littered with imperfections and the paint was chipped. How they even rolled straight I had no idea.

 

Balls under our arms we made our way towards our lane. The set-up was simple. A wooden bench to rest between turns and a small screen on the table in front – Cosima used this to input our names into the system.

 

‘Cos’ and ‘Del’. I chuckled and she grinned at me.

 

“What? I didn’t want to waste time typing. I have a game to win!”

 

It was safe to say that despite all of Cosima’s cockiness and boasting, she was not very good at bowling and I beat her on all three games. Her ball spent most of the time in the gutter. That was also where my mind took up residence throughout the majority of the evening.

 

I couldn’t take my eyes off of her and I couldn’t help but notice the way her hips wiggled in excitement as she leant over to fetch the ball from the holder. Or the way they swayed as she walked up to the mark with confidence, only to still miss every single pin.

 

Between games we sat on the bench taking sips of cold beverages and when she was busy comparing our scores my eyes drifted to her chest where her dress dipped lowly at the front. I internally chastised myself every time my mind wandered, I’m sure that on more than one occasion I even caught her doing the same to me – but it could have just been the alcohol playing tricks.

 

After all of the games were finished we shared a seat on the hard bench and finished our drinks. We spoke about her degree – which just happened to be the same as my own, only her focus was on evolutionary development as opposed to my studies which leant more towards immunology. I was enthralled by the passion for her subject and it drew me further towards her.

 

I could not pin point the exact moment that it happened, but throughout the course of the evening the gap between us lessened enough that I could feel her soft breath coursing over my face as she talked. Cosima’s pinkie finger was tracing softly over mine. I opened up my palm and allowed her fingers to wrap together with my own. We were so close now and I found myself desperately wanting to kiss her…

 

An announcement through speakers shocked the two of us apart and alerted us that the alley was closing for the evening.

 

Her voice was husky and was a cheeky glint in her eye as she spoke.

 

“Do you want to take this somewhere else?”

 


	4. You look a little flushed Darling

I blushed instantly, _mon_ _dieu_ , did I want that… but I hadn’t exactly planned for anything to happen right now… tonight.

 

“Woah, mind out of the gutter! I meant, did you want head over to Bobby’s Bar for some more drinks?” She laughed hard at my reaction and I only blushed further over my misinterpretation. “Have you ever been?”

 

I couldn’t care less that it was late on a Sunday, or that I had a presentation due the next day. I just wanted to spend more time in her presence. So of course I accepted the invitation.

 

“ _Non_ , I can’t say I have.” Bobby’s wasn’t my usual scene. On the rare occasions that I did go out for drinks, I preferred somewhere quiet with a laid back atmosphere and gentle music – a place where conversations could actually take place. But alas, I would follow Cosima wherever she may lead me, which I am almost certain will get me into trouble in the future.

 

“Okay, so that means you won’t know what event is taking place tonight. Let’s go, it starts soon! You are going to love this Delphine.”

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

When we arrived at Bobby’s it was packed to virtually the brim with hot sweating bodies. Amongst the heady smell of the smoke machine, there was an underlying element of perspiration that sat thickly on the tongue. The bar area was towards the back, so we pushed our way through the sea of dancers, using the area of thinned crowds as guidance.

 

To the right of bar there was a small raised area of floor which hosted the DJ booth and a pole? It was yet to attract any attention but I had no doubts that, that would be the case later on in the night. Cosima followed my line of sight and her mouth turned up in a grin.

 

“If you’re good, maybe I’ll give you a show later.” She winked. She actually just winked. Okay, deep breaths Delphine. I tried to control the heat that travelled through my frame. This girl was going to be the death of me. Whilst I was recovering from her little display, her fingers found mine again and lead me closer to the bar. Inhaling sharply one last time I attempted to steer the situation back in my control as we ordered our drinks.

 

“So what was this special event that I am just _going_ to love?”

 

“Karaoke…” I misheard Cosima over the thumping music, and asked her to clarify. Her eyes were wide awaiting my response.

 

“Did you say what I think you did?” My heart started to race.

 

_Non, non, non_ , not Karaoke. I was unable to think of anything worse. This was definitely not my scene, I did not sing. But at that moment the pounding melodies stopped and the throng of figures began to whoop and cheer, Cosima included. She raised her fist in the air and pumped it.

 

If I only I was small enough to have curled up underneath a table, that’s where you would have found me, downing the glass of wine currently in my hand. Either way, I tipped the glass back and swallowed big gulps, ready to listen to the onslaught of drunken performers.

 

An hour later and I had finished off three more glasses of wine and was a little more relaxed, comfortable at least in the padded booth seat. Cosima’s shoulder was pressed up against mine as once again we had moved closer throughout the night. She would murmur in my ear her verdict of each singer and the faint smell of Jaeger and energy drink dusted her whispers. As if the wine wasn’t already enough, I was getting drunk on her alone.

 

Her cheeks were tinted pink from the alcohol and a dopey smile covered her lips.

 

“Hey, Delphine…” Cosima husked and reached inside her bag. “Do you want to get some air?” She pulled out a joint and winked at me. Again.

 

It was a lot quieter outside on the wooden terrace. The noises of Bobby’s were muffled pleasantly behind the glazed doors and it was thankfully empty aside from the odd few smokers littered towards the rear of the patio. A few weathered benches sat on the timber decking. Cosima tugged me under the heater to join her; the contrast in temperature warmed my bones from the outside in.

 

As she flicked the lighter against the tip of the roll-up, the spark of the flame cast forgiving shadows across the curvature of her face and that same flame was reflected back at me in her pupils, drawing me into her gaze. She took a deep drag when she noticed my staring and let the smoke quietly creep from the small gap between her lips.

 

I pulled out a cigarette from my jean pocket and gestured for Cosima to hand me her lighter. I wish I was able to tell you exactly how long we were silent, consuming the smokes of our habits. Time can sometimes pass like a storm, but with Cosima the hurricane stilled and instead that time ebbed and flowed like a trickling river. And I allowed myself to be carried along by the current.

 

Eventually Cosima’s fingers found my own and wrapped tightly around them, our cigarettes now nothing more than burning embers in the ashtray on the table. Our faces were impossibly close. The hand that held mine suddenly withdrew, but the fingers followed a delicate path up my forearm and ran across my collarbone tentatively before settling to cup the back of my neck.

 

My breath hitched and my teeth captured my lower lip. Cosima’s eyes were wide, her pupils dilated and slightly bloodshot around the edges from the pot. The light force on the back of my neck drew me closer to her, her signature grin was back. She hesitated for an instant, savouring the moment like I too was.

 

And then it happened. As if there was an invisible force between us, her lips crashed against mine and her arm wrapped around my neck to hold me in place. _Not that I wanted to be anywhere else ever again for as long as I walked the earth._ Cosima’s lips were soft and inviting and she tasted faintly of the joint she had just smoked mixed with something just wholly Cosima. It was new, but I was already a craven addict.

 

Wanting more, I tested the boundaries and skimmed my tongue along her bottom lip. I’m almost certain she growled and pulled me impossibly closer. The force of her movement knocked me off balance, and we fell roughly into the wooden fence behind her, my knuckles scraped against the harsh surface, but our caresses continued.

 

Her tongue tangled with mine and one of her hands relocated to my hip and held it in a tight grasp, urging them towards her. Oh, this was going way too far. Way too far for our current predicament, way too far for our first kiss. But I couldn’t bring myself to pull away, the heat in my abdomen building heavily, hips beginning to twitch along with her hand. In that moment I also couldn’t care less where we were. All I could see, all I could taste and all I could think about was Cosima.

 

Her mouth moved to my neck and her teeth sank into the supple skin, biting, flicking and sucking the tender spot that the onslaught had created. My hands instinctively went to her ass and squeezed hard.

 

“Mmm, Delphine.”

 

Hearing her voice that thick with want just encouraged me further. It wasn’t until she repeated my name again, louder against my swollen lips that I stepped back and tried to gain some distance. Her chest was heaving and her eyes were almost black. I gasped profoundly trying to catch my breath.

 

“As much as I was enjoying that, we should really stop…”

 

We broke apart; both leant against the fence with our shoulders and tried to catch our breath.

 

Not much later a loud wolf-whistled sounded from the side of us and I eyed Cosima curiously.

 

“Evening ladies! Tut tut, Cosima, who’s this? Aren’t you going to introduce me?”

 

“Felix, not now please.” She groaned.

 

“Felix?” I gasped and whipped my head round to get a better view of the name and accent I am positive I recognised.

 

“Del? Oh my _god,_ what are _you_ doing here?”

 

“I er…” Words failed me and my shaky hand loosely gestured in Cosima’s general direction, a blush heated my face again for the countless time tonight. I was still recovering from our little moment, heartrate still returning to its normal steady pulse.

 

Felix walked towards me and hastily grabbed my face between his hands, inspecting it carefully. When I looked into his eyes his pupils were heavily dilated and slightly squinted. His breath smelt strongly of beer as he spoke.

 

“Hmm. You look a little flushed _darling_.”

 

He pushed me away from his body to study me from arm’s length, eyes running up and down my body.

 

“What’s this?” He asked impishly, his voice raising an octave.

 

Cosima was sniggering to my left and I could see her body bobbing out of the corner of my eye. She was clearly enjoying herself.

 

“Wait a second… Oh my _god_ , _Delphine_.” Felix almost shouted this time. Attracting the attention of the few other smokers.

 

“ _Quoi?_ What is it Felix?” I hushed. My teeth sank into the inflamed skin of my lip. I knew what he was going to say, but I’d be damned if I didn’t have one last chance at playing the innocent card.

 

“You and Cosima are shagging! You have a whacking great love bite on your neck.” He guffawed.

 

My mouth fell open in shock. Eventually when I could form words again I replied.

 

“We are _not_ shagging Felix. Cosima tell him!” Felix just raised his eyebrows and looked at Cosima for the answer.

 

“She’s right, but this is a date. Up high buddy!” She waggled her eye brows and the pair of them shared a high-five. “So how do you two know each other?”

 

“We live together.” We both responded at the same time in harmony.

 

“Oh wow.” She chuckled. “How did I not know this? I assumed that the ‘Del’ you lived with was someone completely different. I’ve never seen you guys together. But now it makes total sense. Obvs.”

 

A loud cheer from inside Bobby’s caught Felix’s attention.

 

“Well, I don’t know about you ladies, but I say we go get some shots and then head up onto that stage. Let’s go Karaoke! I do a mean version of ‘Master of the House’ from Les Mis!” He shrieked at the top of his voice in exhilaration.

 

He grasped my hand tightly and hauled me back in the direction of the noise and movement inside the bar. I threw my head back and glared at Cosima, who was swaying gently with a mischievous smile playing on her lips.

 

“This is your fault.” I mockingly whispered.

 

\------------------------------------------------------------------

 

When we stepped out of Bobby’s the temperature had dropped only marginally from when we had been stood in the smoking area earlier in the night, but it was enough to send the shivers rippling over my skin. My ears were still ringing from the volume inside.

 

Cosima noticed the quiver and glued herself to my side, rubbing heat into the surface of my arm. I looked at her curiously.

 

“What? I’d give you my jacket if I had one, but I don’t. So I am improvising!” She beamed and her eyes sparkled.

 

“You are very cheeky, Cosima.”

 

“Just you wait and see! Come’on, let’s get home.”

 

Felix had stayed back at Bobby’s and we left him locked in a fervent embrace with a man who neither of us knew. Luckily the walk back to campus was fairly short. We passed numerous intoxicated groups stumbling about on the pavement, all giggling and loud conversations. Cosima and I walked through the yellow-lit streets hand in hand, almost silent save the odd few comments.  

 

Too soon we reached my apartment. She stood under the beam of the lamplight, not unlike the night we first met and it sensitively illuminated her dainty features. I couldn’t resist and closed the gap between us, my hands grasped at her cheeks.

 

She sighed tenderly into my lips and responded to the kiss delicately and skilfully. It was a stark, but equally welcome contrast to the first kiss that we shared together. What it lacked in haste was made up for in passion and precision.

 

I pressed my body tighter against her, forcing out any air between us. She moaned unobtrusively and her hands wrapped tighter in my blonde locks. Just as the kiss started to gain momentum she stepped away, placing the air amidst us again.

 

“Can I take you out again?” She straightened her dress and tucked loose dread behind her ear apprehensively. “I had a really good time tonight.”

 

I traced my fingers over Cosima’s cheek and she bumped her head against it. I’m sure I heard her make a sound similar to a purr.

 

“ _Oui_ , _merci_ Cosima. It was a beautiful evening. _Cependant, pas aussi belle que vous.”_

 

_However, not as beautiful as you are._

 

“Okay I have no idea what you said, but it sounded wonderful whatever it was!”

 

We lingered a while longer, sharing chaste kisses. But eventually I excused myself – after all it was already late and I still had a presentation due tomorrow… today.

 

I checked my phone once under the weighty covers of my duvet. I hadn’t received anything from Cosima. I’m almost certain it was the alcohol that fuelled the decision and I would probably regret it in the morning when I woke up. But I quickly typed,

 

**I can’t stop thinking about that kiss… J'aimerais que tu sois là . Bonne nuit, Cosima. Sweet dreams.**

 

_I wish you were here._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am overwhelmed at the response I have had to this fic so far.
> 
> Thank you for making my head so big I can't get through the front door!
> 
> I'll try my best to update next week, but I'm performing in a musical - channeling my inner Alison you could say.
> 
> See you all shortly! Good night.


	5. Sticky Fingers

I waited up for Cosima’s reply for half an hour after hitting send. But eventually the weight of my tired eyes pulled me into a dreamless sleep and my phone was forgotten.

 

I was startled awake by the alarm blaring in my ear. The source of the noise was squashed between my cheek and the pillow. The sunlight streamed in through the half open blinds in neat stripes across the bed. I groaned and rolled into a more comfortable position beneath the sheets and peeled the phone from my face.

 

It buzzed gently in my palm, signifying that I had an unread message. It was from Beth. I couldn’t help but feel slightly disappointed that it wasn’t Cosima. Upon unlocking the phone I noticed that it was already 7.35am. I needed to be in the lecture theatre by 9.00am to give the presentation so I had plenty of time before I needed to leave my nest.

 

**Morning Del! Don’t forget we have the presentations today in your after-date bliss. P.s I want to know EVERYTHING about last night – Felix told me he practically caught you two shagging outside at Bobby’s. Did Cosima stay at yours last night? Meet me for coffee in the atrium afterwards.**

 

I quickly typed out a reply.

 

**Urgh Beth, control yourself. Felix was over-exaggerating … I’ll see you later. Hope your presentation goes well too.**

 

I sighed and ran a hand through my unruly golden tresses. My head was pounding from the wine I had consumed the night before and the serious lack of slumber did not help motivate me to get up and get ready. But alas, the time soon came around and a second alarm declared it was time to take a shower.

 

As I stripped off the burgundy girl boxers and loose fitting grey top, I heard my phone vibrate with a text. Beth can wait, I thought to myself as I headed towards the cramped en-suite wet-room.

 

When I stepped under the heat of the shower I caught a glance of myself in the small mirror above the sink. _Mon Dieu_ , I looked awful. My eyes were puffy and the small amount of eyeliner I applied the night before had multiplied and was smudged across the side of my face. My hair was tousled and tangled. I laughed softly when I saw the imprint the phone had left in my cheek, and rubbed at the spot to encourage the shape to dissipate.

 

The quick warm shower soothed and relaxed my tight muscles. By the time I had towelled my hair dry and thrown on some clothes I felt a lot more human. Looking in the full length mirror on the wardrobe, I practised my presentation one last time to the reflection watching back at me. I dressed in navy tapered trousers and navy blazer coupled with a white blouse and white plimsolls. Not too casual, but not too smart either.

 

I was in such a hurry to leave that I grabbed my phone from the bed and shoved it straight in my bag without looking at Beth’s text, thinking she could tell me in person later.

 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

The first five or six presentations passed with a blur, and soon enough it was my time to take centre stage in front of the 150 pupil strong lecture theatre. Due to the large amount of students, they were spread across the whole week – a selection of undergraduates from both course groups for the different days.

 

Not unlike the six before my own, my presentation passed in a haze and the adrenaline meant I both delivered the information and answered the questions the panel threw at me with confidence and poise. It was a relief that the weeks of preparation and late study sessions in the library with Beth had paid off.

 

Beth’s name was called soon after I had reclaimed my spot towards the middle of the sea of red padded seats. I rested my notebook atop of the grey table, covering the defaced scribblings of bored students on the surface. I wasn’t convinced that the entire Biology course needed to know that _Angela_ was a whore…

 

It didn’t go well. Beth crumbled under the pressure from the panel, stumbling and tripping over her words, and to further my sadness they unceasingly ripped holes in her research with every ounce of interrogation.

 

So when she proceeded to head straight out of the auditorium instead of returning to her seat, I promptly gathered my things and went hastily after her.

 

I found her slumped in a chair in the Biology coffee bar, her head thrown back against the rest and her eyes squeezed tight shut. My nearing footsteps forced her to open them and her hand reached inside the jacket pocket to pull out a small black hip flask with a sigh.

 

“Isn’t it a little early for that, _Mon Amie_?” I said calmly as I sat in the seat across the table.

 

“Never too early on a day like today.” She took a large gulp from the flask and the strong scent of whisky drifted through the air. She shot me a cheesy grin.

 

“You seem oddly relaxed considering what just happened.”

 

“Funnily enough, I almost expected it. I’d made a silent pact in with myself that if today didn’t go as well as it needed to, that I would take it as a sign and move onto to bigger things.”

  
  
It was no secret that Beth struggled with the science. It certainly wasn’t that she was unintelligent, far from it in fact. But she didn’t have a passion for the subject, pushed into taking it by her family.

 

“What’s next then? You always have a plan.”

 

“Police force.” She said nonchalantly, pulling a distained face through her latest sip of the contents of the flask.

 

“Well here is to your next chapter, Beth!” I chuckled and clinked my bottle of water with her whisky.

 

“So tell me about last night?” She leant forward onto her elbows and looked at me inquisitively. “I heard it went _pretty_ well.”

 

“And I told you already that Felix is a nightmare and you shouldn’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth!”

 

“I assume it went well though? If the marks on your neck are anything to go by…”

 

“ _Merde_ , I thought they were covered by this shirt!” I exclaimed and rubbed at the bruised and tender skin.

 

“Afraid not, Buddy.” Beth winked. “So did she stay over? I mean, you can’t have ended up with those marks somewhere public… or did you?” The blush on my face gave me away. “Delphine, you dirty animal!” She almost screamed.

 

“Beth, _please_ keep your voice down.”

 

The few odd students in the café were beginning to turn their heads at her little display.

 

“Was she a good kisser?” She whispered across the table.

 

“Amazing… I mean, I could barely keep my hands to myself. It was like time had stopped and all I could think about was her lips on mine and what she tasted like, and where her hands were and also where they weren’t. I’m pretty sure that if she hadn’t gained the control to stop when she did, I’d have c…”

 

Mid-sentence I noticed that Beth’s eyes were no longer on mine, but instead they were focussed behind me. I ceased the incoherent rambling and turned to see what was more interesting than my recount of the night before and my blue eyes were met with brown framed ones.

 

“ _Merde_ Cosima... Bonjour!” I yelped, and a furious blush spread heat across my neck, the redness burning my skin. I was eternally grateful that I hadn’t got to the end of that sentence.

 

“Hey, Delphine.” Her voice was husky and it sent tingles through my body and into my centre. The feeling only helped to re-ignite the fire still lingering from yesterday.

 

A coy smile played across her lips as she eyed me up, hands rested gently on her hips. I saw her gaze at my chest and I gulped and looked down, my black bra was showing unintentionally through the white blouse. Her pupils grew more dilated as the tension grew during our staring match.

 

“Holy shit, now I know what Felix meant! I’m just going to go… Del, I’ll call you later.”

 

As Beth got up to leave and said her goodbyes, Cosima gave her a slack amiable hug and took a seat directly next to me.

 

I laughed nervously, not knowing how much of my speech she had taken in.

 

“So, do you want to continue after I so rudely interrupted you? You were just about to say what would of happened if we had not stopped that kiss where we had.” She purred and her hand was rested dangerously high on my thigh.

 

As aware as I was that we were yet again in the middle of a public place, I couldn’t help the twinge that I felt in my lower body as her fingers gently squeezed against my leg.

 

I took a deep breath and inched myself away from her grasp.

 

“Not _here_.” I breathed heavily.

 

She nodded in understanding remaining completely composed and changed the subject.

 

“Do you want to go get icecream?” The signature grin was back.

 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

So that was how later that afternoon, I found myself perched at a high table in a quaint gelato café. We shared a large bowl between us, Cosima picking out her favourite flavours for me to try. I had never been a great lover of frozen desserts but she made it her mission to convince me otherwise.

 

Cosima would flit between shovelling her mouth full of the vibrant coloured gelato and spooning the certified flavours in my direction for me to taste. She wasn’t overly graceful with the ice-cream spatula, waving it around far too excitedly for my liking. It meant that more often than not, most of it ended up blobbed on the wooden surface in front of me than in my mouth.

 

“Cosima, if you would let me feed myself I would actually get to taste what you are flapping around in front of me!”

 

“Come’on, it’s heaps more fun this way Delphine. Now open up!” A far too enthusiastic thrust in my direction found the spoon planting into my chin. Upon her retracting the spoon with an “Oops” the gelato was firmly stuck to my face, melting and dripping onto the table.

 

I stared at her, horrified. But she was too busy laughing to notice my unimpressed expression, tears of laughter streaming from her eyes. I quickly brought my hand to my face to try and wipe away the stickiness, the vivacious blue colouring my fingertips.

 

Cosima caught my wrist on its way towards the nearest napkin and held it in front of her.

 

She had stopped laughing, a more serious expression crossed her face and her eyes darkened again.

 

She slowly brought my hand closer to her face, looking to me for permission and then brought the blue tinted fingers closer again towards her mouth.

 

My own mouth went dry and I swallowed heavily, having a pretty good guess what she was about to do.

 

But nothing could have prepared me for the warmth of her tongue running along the length of my fingertips, nor could it have prepared me for the molten heat that was the inside of her mouth, or the arousing feeling as she sucked gently on the digits.

 

A moan slipped from my lips and my eyes dropped shut. I was glad then for our position in the café that meant we were hidden from the view of the other customers and the loud hum of music from the speakers covered my vocal display.

 

I could feel the embarrassing amount of wetness beginning to form in my trousers and tried to discreetly rub my thighs together to relieve some of the pressure I felt between my legs. My mind was out of control with wishes that the heat of her mouth was enveloping other parts of my body.

 

“ _Fuck, Cosima… Stop_.” I stuttered out, the arousal was painstakingly obvious in my voice, and my breathing was uncontrollably heavy.

 

She released my fingers with a pop and shot me a smug grin, accompanied with a wink.

 

“ _Mmm, that tastes so good_.”

 

But I know that she was just affected by the spectacle as I was and I caught her subtly rubbing her legs together under the table just like I had been moments before.

 

I envied her resolve though. She shot me one last knowing glance and then her hand found the spoon again and she continued to finish off the gelato like nothing had happened. But instead when she picked a flavour that she particularly enjoyed she would let out a soft moan in appreciation.

 

I lasted measly 30 seconds before I had to excuse myself and hide in the bathroom like a horny teenager. Once in the cubicle I willed myself to pull it together, but the intense wetness and sexual tension was making it incredibly difficult.

 

I decided that I’d have to do something about it later, and focused on catching my breath.

 

Once I had managed to regain some control over my body, I headed back out to Cosima. By this point she’d finished off the ice-cream and was sat lazily watching something on one of the screens in the café.

 

She shot me a knowing look when the bathroom door swung shut and for the countless time that night I blushed, the control I’d worked so hard to reclaim slowly depleting already. I shifted my trousers awkwardly and continued the walk to our table.

 

“Let’s go, Delphine.” She hastily grabbed our coats and took my hand, leading us from the café abruptly.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the show is now over and I typed up this chapter tonight for you guys :)
> 
> I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it ;)
> 
> Good night!
> 
> Sian


	6. Instinct

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone!  
> I'm posting this whilst half asleep so bare with me on that.  
> I'll look over it in the morning, but I just wanted to make sure you guys had something to sink your teeth into tonight.  
> Please enjoy - this chapter is pretty much NSFW ;)

The stroll home from the café passed quickly and was made in almost silence. Cosima tugged me along, seemingly on some kind of mission. The early evening sun was shining directly into our faces, providing a warm caress of heat over our skin. The breeze was gentle, and the leaves tickled against each other in its draught.

 

“Where are we going?” I asked curiously, still eager to go wherever the girl would lead me.

 

“Back to mine, before I _fuck_ you right here on campus. And believe me, as much as I want to do that, I _really_ do not want to do it for the rest of the University to see.” She almost moaned. I felt a little smug that I was affecting her as much as she was affecting me.

 

Even still, her words caught me slightly off guard and the heat between my legs made itself known to me again as I gulped in response to her comment. I managed to stutter a quick “Okay” in acknowledgement.

 

Cosima dragged me hurriedly into the apartment building opposite my own. There were a few students gathered outside one of the flats in the somewhat dilapidated stairwell, engaged in boisterous conversation with each other.

 

“324? You live here?” I puffed, marginally out of breath from the harried journey thus far.

 

“Yeah, it was our party the night that we met.” Cosima replied, seemingly a lot less puffed out than I was. I mentally slapped my wrist for not getting in better shape since being here. Not that I had really had the time to do so.

 

Then it dawned on me and I stopped dead on the threshold to the apartment. “That’s why you weren’t wearing shoes!” I chuckled lightly, feeling happier that a small puzzle was solved. Cosima eyed me curiously, but the edges of her lips began to twitch upwards and her eyes begged me for an explanation.

 

“Je suis désolé! I had been wondering for a while the reason that you did not wear shoes that night.”

 

“Come inside, idiot.” She said affectionately and rolled her eyes at me. The thick air of sexual tension had thinned considerably, and I felt a little more relaxed and in control of my desires.

 

Cosima’s room was a disorderly mess. There were text books and note paper strewn across every available surface and the pin board above the desk was littered with post-it notes and further paper.

 

“How on earth do you get anything done in here?” I was amazed that she could even find her way into bed at night. It was a stark contrast to the usual order and neatness of my own room. It made me realise just how impersonal it was compared to Cosima’s.

 

She shrugged indifferently. “I like to have everything available at once. You never know when inspiration is going to strike. Plus, I’m often working into the early hours of the morning, so it seems silly to put things away for the sake of a few hours whilst I sleep.”

 

“ _Oui_ , I understand. It is very you, Cosima.” I smiled genuinely. The room smelt of her light perfume with an earthy undertone, and the décor and trinkets she had amongst the paperwork were just wholly her. Deep purple silky sheets covered the bed and a multitude of wraps and dressing gowns were hung on a rack attached to the bathroom door. She had even gone as far as laying a plum rug by the bed to help hide the scuffed carpet tiles below.

 

Cosima confidently made her way towards the bed and gestured for me to follow. She grabbed her laptop from under her ‘Origin of Species’ textbook on the way past and tucked it under her arm. The laptop had a protective sleeve over the top, printed with DNA helix’s in a bright pattern amongst a decorative background in a mass of colours.

 

She shuffled back on the bed to press her back against the wall and the sheets crinkled under her movement. I mirrored her and scuffled into position next to her.

 

“So, do you want to watch something?” She pulled up the lid of the computer and the screen came to life after a wiggle of her finger on the tracker pad. A few moments later and she twisted the laptop to show me the programs and films that she had available.

 

I browse for a short while and ponder between a few possible contenders. I make a brave, but also stupid choice and point to my selection.

 

“You want to watch The L Word? Oh my god, Delphine. Beth once told me that she wasn’t sure quite how gay you were, but I’m afraid this seals the deal! You are 100% gay Delphine Cormier.” She flashed me a cheeky grin and winked at me. It sent a blush rocketing across the skin on my cheeks.

 

I pondered her statement for what felt like a long time. It didn’t matter how much I tried to deny it, or tell myself that I was still straight. I knew now, gazing at Cosima whilst she fiddled with the laptop, that I was in no doubt falling for her both hard and fast. It felt reckless, but I knew when I felt my heart flutter every time I made her smile, and I knew when the heat rushed between my legs that I desired her more than I had anyone else before.

 

Cosima made me break all of my rules. And Cosima made me feel alive for the first time in my 21 years on the planet. She had already brought me so much. But then again it could be gone just as quick as it came along. That terrified me.

 

A soft stoke on my forearm brought me away from my thoughts. I sighed and leaned into the touch, just gentle caresses were enough to melt me. She leant away and laid on her back, laptop resting on top of her taught stomach, screen angled so that we could both still see. I instantly missed her touch and felt relieved when she gestured for me to cuddle up into her side.

 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Half way through the second episode and I instantly regretted my decision. The uncomfortable pressure was back between my legs and I was struggling to keep control of my breathing. During the time we had been watching the first episode, we had snuggled considerably closer together. One of my legs was thrown over the top of Cosima’s.

 

As another hot scene rolled onto the screen Cosima shifted underneath me and her hip bone accidently brushed against my heat. I let out an embarrassingly deep groan right into her ear. Her head snapped around in my direction and her eyes were black. I assumed they matched my own. The laptop was quickly forgotten and shoved towards the end of the bed.

 

“ _Fuck, Delphine_.” She groaned in response. I don’t even know what possessed me to do it. Completely consumed by my desire, I tested the waters and rolled my hips forward. The jut of her hip bone again hit the sweet spot between my thighs, and another moan ghosted past my parted lips.

 

Cosima’s hand found my hip, pulled me in impossibly closer and tugged with force to encourage a repetition of my now unabashed grinding against her leg.

 

My hand wrapped tightly around the back of her neck and I captured her lips hastily in my own and we moved together in sloppy and uncalculated actions. When I felt her tongue run across my bottom lip with poise, I urgently granted her access and sucked her tongue into my mouth.

 

God, it felt so good. I was growing more and more desperate with my movements. All of the pressure that had been building over the last few days was starting to tighten.

 

 “ _J’ai envie de toi_ , Cosima” I whispered in her ear.

 

She let out enough husky “ _mmm,_ _fuck_ ” and I decided then and there that the chorus of whimpers and groans leaving her lips were my new favourite sound. I found myself wanting to hear it again, so I moved my hand from her neck and traced a line down to her breast.

 

I progressed further with instinct alone and blindly reached out to feel the supple mound beneath my fingers. I squeezed at the soft skin through the material of her top with an element of apprehension.

 

When I felt her shudder against my lips a wave of confidence flooded over me and I rolled myself on top of her to straddle her thighs. Unable to control my hips I continued to gyrate against her body, though any progress I’d made towards a climax was now lost in the new position.

 

It did however give me better access to her body. Her hips rocked up with purpose to meet my now more subdued movements and I revelled in the gasps and moans that my touches coaxed from deep within her body.

 

Unsatisfied with the lack of stimulation my current position provided, I paused for a second and moved higher up Cosima’s body, finding my spot from earlier against her hip bone.

 

The difference in height made it slightly awkward because her head lay lower than my own. But with my orgasm approaching embarrassing quickly, all I could process was the sweet friction between my thighs and Cosima’s hands now grasping at the hem of my top to reveal my torso.

 

I mirrored her and somehow in the midst of my grinding managed to remove her own top. She was stunning. Her chest was heaving with heavy aroused breaths, and her nipples were showing hard against the fabric constraint of her bra.

 

This time my fingers were touching bare skin and it only fueled the fire in my centre.

 

I was so close now, and Cosima’s hands found my own breasts. Her fingers dipped beneath the material and tugged gently on my nipples, occasionally pinching. Her mouth sucked at the delicate skin of my neck.

 

A loud crash startled us both for a minute and our motions stilled, the laptop had toppled off the bed and collided with the solid floor.

 

Cosima seemed to regain some consciousness in the slight intermission.

 

“ _Mmm, Delphine_. We should stop.” Thought it didn’t last long before a firm grasp around my hips began to tug me against her again.

 

“ _I am so close, Cosima.”_  I almost shouted with desperation. And with one final thrust against her side and a particularly hard pinch on my right nipple, the pressure building inside of me peaked and I came… hard.

 

A chorus of moans flowed from both of us and I could feel her hot breath against my neck with every sound. I heard myself cry louder than ever before, unable to control my vocal chords. As my thrusts came to a gentle stop, I pried my eyes open, fighting against the shyness and embarrassment I felt creeping in to look at her.

 

She was gorgeous, flushed and panting beneath me.

 

I couldn’t help the blush that spread across my cheeks when our eyes met.

 

“ _Je suis_ _désolé…_ _I don’t know what came over me.”_

 

_“I know what came over me though, Delphine.” She grinned cheekily which powered my flush further, and I swatted playfully at her taught stomach to which she let out a squeal._

 

I rolled next to her and wedged my face in between her chin and her neck. I breathed in her scent and stored it away in my memory, and her arms wrapped me tightly into an embrace.

 

I could feel the throb of her heartbeat slow from its previously erratic beat. I lazily traced my fingers across the bare skin of her upper body. Cosima was incredibly warm and her skin unbelievably smooth. I was captivated my every part of her laid next to me.

 

I didn’t really think before I spoke, but the next thing I know I am stuttering out a question with my heart in my mouth. Almost too literally.

 

“Cosima, I er… did you maybe want to make this official?” I blurted out. _Mon dieu_ , I am so stupid. Was now even a good time to ask? Especially after I humped myself to orgasm shamelessly against her form.

 

“Calm down babe, I barely even caught that.” She chuckled, and urged me to repeat myself.

 

I sighed and bit the bullet. “Will you go out with me, Cosima?”

 

“What are you, like five?” I slapped her shoulder this time.

 

“Okay okay, ouch, violence already… I’m kidding Delphine. I heard you the first time.”

 

“So?” God, she really was enjoying drawing this out.

 

“Of course. I’ve fancied you for ages anyway.” She shot me a signature grin and poked her pink tongue out between her teeth impishly. From the corner of my eye I observed her doing a subtle fist pump.

 

“You are impossible.” I sighed and seized her lips in a passionate kiss to seal the deal.

 

 

 


	7. Darn Frisbee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are just so sweet! Thank you so much for sticking with me on this.
> 
> I'm so lucky to have you all. This chapter goes out to HermioneSpencer!
> 
> Enjoy!

The subsequent two months passed in a blur of papers, exams and presentations. Summer was on the horizon, and it was a small shimmer of light rising from behind a silhouetted hill, signifying our second year at university coming to a close. Because of the heavy work load for both Cosima and I, it predestined that our time spent together was limited. We mutually established that we would work hard until summertime came whizzing around, putting our studies and grades first.

 

It wasn’t all bad though. Most days we studied together in the library, comparing notes and challenging each other’s exam knowledge. Nonetheless, we also spent a lot of revision breaks getting to know each other further. Cosima was a deeper character than I had ever imagined. Two months was nowhere near extensive enough to know everything I wanted to learn about her, but I vowed I would spend the rest of my life trying. She had some great stories to tell, and Felix – who would occasionally crash our library gatherings - was eager to help her tell them.

 

Like the time that he got her so drunk after Karaoke night at Bobby’s Bar that the entire way back to her apartment she was running about like an out of control infant, including whacking on peoples windows as she passed and attempting to do ‘flips’ in the middle of the street.

 

He even slipped in a part at the end about her making multiple efforts to drop her knickers in the street because she ‘needed a wee so badly’. Felix about wet himself relaying the story, and Cosima flushed harder than I had seen her do so before - only causing his laughter and my own to increase tenfold.

 

I learnt that Cosima was self-assured and outgoing, wild and irrepressible, the life and soul of every party. But she was also tender and compassionate with a bottomless soul and a tangible passion for everything that she believed in.

 

It wasn’t long before I fell head over heels in love with her. But before that I just loved her.

 

You see we always agreed that there was a variance. That there was a possibility that you could love someone long before you were _in_ love with them. And there was a difference between saying ‘I love you’ and ‘love you’ to somebody.

 

It only took an embarrassing three weeks for me to love Cosima and not much longer for her either. Although I’m still certain it was entirely accidental that she even let it slip that night…

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

It was a week of another set of presentations and I was up into the early hours of the morning studying in the library, compiling my research with Beth shooting contradicting evidence in my direction to help prepare for the questions the board threw my way.

 

Cosima’s own presentation was earlier in the week, thus she had gone out to Bobby’s with Felix and one of her flat mates, Tony to celebrate. I hadn’t expected to hear from her that night, envisaging that she would be busy both dancing the night away, smoking as much of her latest batch of weed as possible and keeping Felix out of trouble.

 

But to my surprise, my phone started ringing just after one in the morning. Beth eyed me sceptically and I mouthed ‘Cosima’ as I brought the receiver to my ear.

 

“ _Allo, ma Cherie!’_ ”

 

“Delphineeeeeeee, hello Gorgeous.” I chuckled at the way she drew out the ‘e’ and also at the way that Beth was recoiling at the shrill tone of my drunken girlfriend.

 

“Got your hands full with that one.” Beth said lowly. She didn’t even know the half of it!

 

“Are you having a good time?”

 

“Yes, but it would be infinitely better if you could be here too.”

 

“Oh, Cosima you have gone all soppy on me!”

 

As I spoke the final word of my sentence there was a loud crash from the other end of the line, and then lots of scuffling sounds.

 

“Cosima? Are you alright?” I called out. I wasn’t sure whether to laugh or be concerned.

 

“Delphineeeeeeee!” This time another voice butchered my name. I could hear Cosima in the background amongst the noise of the bar shouting at Felix to return her phone.

 

“ _Mon dieu,_ how much have you both had to drink?”

 

“We’re celebrating! We’ve had wine and shots… Hey!” Felix voice trailed off and the last I caught was a disgruntled shout before I heard Cosima’s mellifluous voice again.

 

“Finally! Felix, quit being an ass and go and find Tony.” She slurred. “How much longer do you have to spend in the library?”

 

“Only another 20 minutes, I am almost finished.”

 

“Can I come over?” She whined, not unlike a puppy.

 

“Of course, I will see you later, _ma petit chiot_.”

 

“You’re the puppy! Love you, Delphine.” And then she hung up.

 

Cosima just said that she loves me.

 

“Did she just say that she loves you?” Beth whispered with awe in her voice.

 

“Yes… I think so. But she is very drunk so, I’m sure it was an accident.” I mumbled.

 

“No way. It is obvious Delphine. Even if she tries to take it back later, I’ve seen the way she looks at you. We all have. Tony was saying that he had never witnessed anything like it before. That girl is in deep. I don’t think she makes a habit of it.”

 

I let out a strident breath I didn’t even realise I was holding. I had to endure many stories after we officially became _partners_ , about how _unlike_ Cosima it was to settle down with someone. I couldn’t say it ever filled me with confidence.

 

“Do you love _her_?” Beth asked. It all seemed ridiculous. Wasn’t falling in love meant to take months of _courting_ and growing to know each other better? My heart did a happy dance in my chest, and my head ran in circles of panic. Were things moving too fast? _Do I love her already?_ My head questioned. _Of course you love her_. My heart replied.

 

“Yes, I think I do.”

 

After that it was another full week before Cosima brought up her words from that night. She had apologised profusely and said that she had hoped that I had not heard. But not because the words were spoken in a drunken stupor, but because this wonderful creature was anxious that I could never feel the same way about her.

 

I reassured her plentifully that it was completely and utterly reciprocated and we agreed that although it was too soon to be _in_ love with one another, that it was perfectly acceptable to have a love for each other.

 

And from then on, calls and texts were signed off with a simple ‘love you’. And boy if it didn’t make my heart inflate with delight every single time.

 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

So it was two months later, and second year was officially over. We had three months of summer to finally spend some quality time together. After a slightly heated _‘disagreement’_ we decided that instead of blowing our savings on a holiday, that we would dedicate it to making some memories together whilst staying at the university.

 

The weather had improved only marginally, but it was officially warm enough to be outside in nothing more than a light shirt and shorts. Cosima dragged us around town the entire morning in search of a Frisbee because “you just can’t have a picnic without one”. And that was how I found myself stood at the fence to a field of horses.

 

“Come on Delphine, the horses aren’t going to hurt you. Climb under! I want to play with the Frisbee.”

 

“Non, Cosima, this is completely unnecessary. Why can’t we just play on the field outside of the biology building? It is perfectly substantial… and missing the horses.”

 

“Durr, because it’s nowhere near as big!” She whined loudly. “I promise the horses won’t be interested in you. Look, they aren’t even anywhere near where we are going to sit. All we have to do is walk past them.”

 

“I am so not comfortable with this.” I huffed and swung my arms in a tantrum and my left foot twitched against the ground. Why do horses have to be so… big?

 

Cosima slipped under the rickety fence first and dragged the rucksack of food along with her. The Frisbee was clasped tightly in her left hand, heaven forbid it should get left behind accidently. She held out her right to help me keep my balance. I found it a lot harder to squeeze between the wooden bars than her miniature self.

 

You wouldn’t believe it, but the moment my foot touched the other side of that fence, mossy grass springing underneath the weight, the group of horses spooked and began to charge towards us. I erupted into a fit of shrieks and scrambled back over the fence and out of the field ten times speedier than it took me to get in. And Cosima, well she exploded into a fit of laughter, clenching desperately at her sides as the horses veered off… funnily enough, nowhere near us…

 

“Oh my god!” She squealed between melodious giggles. “You can come back over now; it is _safe_ from the big bad horseys!”

 

I rolled my eyes and began to climb the fence for a third time that day. But behind her in the distance, I could see the leader of the horse _pack_. It was a large russet stallion with a white star on its nose and charcoal dipped legs, and it was undoubtedly looking at me.

 

“Cosima, that horse is _staring_ at me.” I was certain of it.

 

“Don’t be ridiculous, come on, I’m starting to get hungry now and I still want to get some time to play Frisbee this afternoon.” She waved the offending item in my face.

 

“This is all the Frisbee’s fault in the first place…”

 

“Hey! Leave my Frisbee out of it.” Cosima cradled it like a baby in her arms and rocked it gently whilst cooing.

 

“You are absolutely absurd.” I snorted. 

 

“Hmm, but you love me!” She grinned. As always, I couldn’t resist her charm and found myself wandering further into the meadow at the yank of her hand. She led us carefully past the cluster of horses and over a second barrier into a secluded enclosure.

 

I let out an audible sigh once we had reached safety.

 

Cosima rustled around in the backpack for a while before pulling from it, a red tartan blanket. She flapped it about in the breeze and then laid it evenly onto the grass and waved for me to come and sit with her.

 

I plonked myself down a bit heavier than I planned to and winced as I knocked my tail bone on the thirsty summer ground, the layer of soft grass not nearly enough to break my slight tumble.

 

Cosima shuffled to lay across the blanket with her head in my lap, and she hummed when my fingers played the baby hairs dusted across her forehead. She still had the Frisbee tucked neatly under one arm and I smiled to myself. The sun shone gently on her olive skin, and her chocolate eyes sparkled under the rays as they gazed up into my own.

 

She was _my_ ridiculously beautiful and impossibly charming girl. I counted myself lucky every single day, that I got to wake up know that I was hers. I wasn’t even sure that I deserved her. But I wasn’t to dwell on that.

 

I had to tell her how I felt; I couldn’t hold it back any longer and now was as good a time as any. The wind swirled through the leaves of the oak trees surrounding the perimeter of the meadow, and they hummed softly as they were forced to brush against each other. There was no other sound than that and Cosima’s calm drawing breaths. It was charmingly peaceful.

 

“Cosima.” I whispered gently, her eyes that had fallen closed in the harmony of the moment flicked open again.

 

“ _Je t’aime_.” I bent at the waist to press a gentle kiss on her lips, my fingers stroked lightly at her jaw line. The corners of her mouth twitched a little and then she broke into a full on grin, white fangs showing and there it was, the tongue.

 

Cosima grabbed at my face and pulled me into a passionate embrace. It felt different, more exciting from the new angle. She moaned softly and purred against my lips. Eventually though, the strain on my neck became too apparent and I pulled away, leaving a final chaste kiss on the tip of her nose. The cool metal of her nose ring teasing my flushed lips.

 

“God, I love you too Delphine.” I couldn’t describe the elated feelings that whooshed through my entire being upon hearing those three words. My heart swelled in my chest and my cheeks flushed with pure contentment.

 

I leant in to kiss her again, never mind my neck. But Cosima jumped straight up onto her feet and out of my lap before I could reach her.

 

“ _Quoi?_ ”

 

“Frisbee time!” She yelled, successfully abolishing any peacefulness of the moment in her own special technique. I realised in that instant, that I wouldn’t ever want her to be any other way than this.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the horse thing actually happened...


	8. Wet Wet Wet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good evening everyone!
> 
> It has been a while. I was in Paris for four days earlier this week - it was beautiful!
> 
> I pray that you enjoy this chapter in such hard canon times.
> 
> It is NSFW, I repeat, NSFW!
> 
> Thank you for sticking with me as always.
> 
> SianRuns.

It was late afternoon and the sky was gradually turning greyer. The air coming in through the gap in the window grew cold and had a dense thickness to it. There was a stark quietness to the typically bustling campus, only a few students navigating their way through the empty streets in hurry of shelter.

 

Cosima and I were snuggled warmly under the maroon blanket that rested at the bottom of her bed. The weather was a blatant contrast to that of the bright sunshine yesterday in the field. Her fingers ran affectionately through my blonde locks, tugging gently at the few knots they found in their path. We were in silence, enjoying each other’s company and watching the spots of rain beginning to form on the large window.

 

She nestled tighter into my side, and I wrapped my arm around her encouragingly, letting out a soft sigh. I could stay like this forever, the rain pouring down the panes and Cosima pressed against me.

 

“Hmm, _Chérie_. I should probably close the window.” The rain had picked up somewhat, and lashings of water were beginning to coat the windowsill. Her grip around my waist stiffened.

 

“Nooo! Don’t leave our nest!” She grumbled huskily in my ear.

 

“Your books are getting wet…” I kindly pointed out.

 

“Oh, shit!” Cosima jumped up and swiftly took the blanket with her, exposing my body to the cold air. Although fully clothed, the air was bitter against my previously warm skin and I yelled after her in surprise.

 

“Cosima!”

 

“I’d totally be sorry right now if it weren’t for the fact that all I can see right now is your nipples through that white shirt.” I covered my chest in mock embarrassment.

 

“You are so bloody cheeky. Now come here!”

 

“Nope. If you want me, you have to come and get me.” She challenged playfully.

 

A loud crash of thunder rumbled through the apartment and Cosima’s eyes grew wide with excitement. A flash of lightning lit the room in an instant and the rain was now thrashing against the ground generating deep puddles and also hammering vociferously against the walls of the building.

 

“I have the best idea Delphine…” It was _never_ a good idea when she said that.

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------

 

An hour later we arrived back at her apartment, soaked through to the bone and clothes heavily saturated with rainwater. I had to give it to her; the walk had been pleasant enough to begin with. We walked the streets with our hands combined, swinging between us with each step. The atmosphere was oddly serene and rain lashed coolly against our exposed skin.

 

Ultimately though, the liquid seeped through the covers of clothing we both wore and began to prick sharply at the skin hidden underneath. When Cosima’s teeth started to chatter under the seemingly icy breeze, I demanded that we head home – I drew the line at either of us developing pneumonia.

 

I pulled a shivering Cosima swiftly into her bedroom once we arrived back and made a move to rid her of the layers of drenched clothing. I fought the wet material from her body, and eventually she stood before me in just her bra and underwear. Simple black garments covered her chest and rear. _Mon dieu, she was stunning._

 

Droplets of water ran from her damp dreads, trickled down her face and off her pink button nose. The winged eyeliner had begun to smudge at the edges. Her chest was flushed red with the cold and her hands rubbed against her arms to conduct some heat.

 

I had never seen her that undressed before and my eyes could not focus on one area of her beautiful body. Instead they frantically darted across her form, taking in as much as possible. I felt myself being drawn towards her, my hands reaching out tentatively to feel her supple skin under my explorative fingertips.

 

My hands connected with her figure, taking the place of her own. They drew up and down to attempt to sooth some of the cold. When she seemed warmer, just as they did that night, my hands moved of their own accord and settled on her chest. I traced the edge of her bra with my finger tip and then took the whole breast in my hand and palmed it gently through the material.

 

In the plain silence, I easily noticed the change in her breathing and she gasped a little as one of my fingers caught her nipple.

 

“ _Take it off_.” She whispered delicately. Her hands rested over my own and she guided them towards the clasp at her back. My fingers pinched the fastener and I gulped as I felt it give way underneath them.

 

Cosima seductively wiggled free from the material and I was left gawping at her.

 

“ _Touch me.”_  She encouraged, again guiding my hands but this time to her front. She placed my hands firmly onto her breasts and squeezed.

 

“ _Merde._ ” I was ridiculously turned on and a rush of hotness settled in my core. My clothing growing uncomfortably wet in a different way against my heat and I pressed my legs together to try and relieve some of the pressure.

 

Cosima was arching into me now, soft gasps leaving her parted lips. As I grew more confident in my movements, my fingers found her nipples and tweaked lightly at the swollen flesh, feeling them get ever harder under my touch.

 

Her hands were gripping at my back almost desperately, nails scratching from my neck to the base of my spine. Once they reached the bottom they grabbed blindly for the hem of my shirt.

 

“ _Take this… off!_ ” She demanded. Who was I to deny the exquisite woman? I removed my hands from her momentarily to tear the soggy shirt from my body. “ _And these_.” She gestured towards the clammy jeans.

 

I yanked the damp material from my legs with difficulty and then I stood before her in just my underwear. When I looked back at Cosima, I’m almost certain I nearly came on the spot. Her head was tilted back in pleasure; her mouth opened to let out the gasps of desire and the fingers of one of her hands was toying with her nipples. The other hand rested only centimetres from the trim of her black pants.

 

“ _Merde… Bed now!_ ” I growled at her and grabbed the hand from near her underwear to pull her with me.

 

Once we reached the bed she fell on top of me and her heat collided with my stomach. I could feel her hot and wet against my skin through her underwear and her hips rocked against me.

 

“ _Touch me. I’m so wet._ ” She moaned again, as our lips crashed together. I didn’t need to be told twice. My hands surged towards her breasts again and I pulled at them, making note of which actions made her buck her hips and whimper the most.

 

I wanted to give her more. I wanted to hear her scream under my touch. I wanted to make her feel incredible. Almost as if she felt my hesitation, her hands were back on my own again. She looked at me questioningly, and I nodded. I was ready; I just wanted to get it right.

 

“ _Here_.” She said softly. Her hand directed one of my own slowly down the plains of her tight stomach, the muscles rippling under my touch and it settled above the material of her pants. We both drew in a large breath and moaned in unison as her fingers pushed the underwear to the side and my own fingers slid carefully against her scorching wet heat.

 

I gasped, caught off guard by just how wet she was. My fingers travelled lightly through the wetness gathered between her thighs, revelling in the louder-growing moans slipping from her lips. She sat upright on top of me, legs either side of my waist, hips moving hungrily in circular motions against my hand.

 

It felt so similar, yet so different to touching myself. I tried to mirror the actions I would use on my own body and my fingers went in search of the sensitive nub. I knew exactly when I found it, swollen beneath my touch. Cosima yelped and her hips thrust hard against me.

 

Watching her become unravelled on top of me was unbelievably arousing. My hips began to thrust against her in search of some release, not that I was successful. Her wetness was smeared across my stomach and glistened in the light as we moved together.

 

“ _Mmm, inside Delphine… Fuck!_ ” I didn’t need any guidance this time as my fingers coursed towards her entrance, gathering the wetness generously over the middle finger before I pushed it delicately inside her. She was hot and tight and I moaned at the feeling. Upon her request I pushed another finger inside to join the other.

 

Cosima moved recklessly against my fingers and I brought my other hand down from her breast to rub quick circles across her clit. Our lips collided forcefully and her tongue twisted against my own in stimulating motions. She pulled back briefly and her mouth dived for my neck, sucking and nipping the delicate flesh, causing me to pant and move more erratically underneath her. My underwear grew increasingly uncomfortable. I increased the speed of my fingers against her flesh and it caused her to lose focus on anything other than her pleasure.

 

“ _Oh god, I’m close, I’m close_ … _Faster_ ” She chanted. Cosima wedged her face into my neck and all I could hear and feel tickling against my ear was a stream of now continuous groans and whimpers rumbling from her chest.

 

It wasn’t long before a guttural moan ripped through her. She tensed tightly on top of me and her finger nails dug into the soft flesh of my biceps. My hand that was teasing her clit gripped firmly at her hips, pulling her harder into my plunging digits to ride out the waves of pleasure.

 

Cosima let out a final sigh and eventually her body drooped heavily on top of me and her rapid pants began to level out. Her hips slowed their movements until they were grinding in a leisurely pace against my hand, drawing out the last drops of pleasure.

 

After slowly withdrawing my fingers from her heat, I pulled her into a tight hug.

 

“ _Je t’aime,_ Cosima.”

 

“I love you too Delphine. That was incredible!”

 

“Are you sure? I’ve never…” I trailed off, hesitating in uncertainty.

 

“Wait, you’ve never done that before?” Soft hands cupped my face and forced my eyes to meet hers.

 

“Hmm, well Miss Cormier, you are a _very_ fast learner.” She winked and nipped at my lower lip impishly.

 

We laid side by side. Basking in the calm atmosphere, the only sound other than our soft breaths was the rain still hitting heavily against the window pane. I was hyper aware of the tension between my thighs, but I willed the feeling aside to relish in the moment we were sharing.

 

Cosima’s fingers traced the skin on my chest idly and she placed soft kisses all over my face, nuzzling her nose with mine. There was a devilish glint in her eyes as the back of her hand accidently brushed over my nipple. I was already wound so tightly and a groan slipped easily from my lips.

 

She giggled confidently and moved to roll me onto my front. I tried to resist, but she was firm. The infuriating pants were ripped from my form in a single movement.

 

“Cosima? What are you…” I felt her move off the bed behind me, and she began to rummage through the draw at her desk.

 

“Shush, just _relax_.” She produced a bottle of lotion and straddled me. When her hands made contact with my shoulders they were cool and slick and she spent ample time massaging out the knots in my muscles, though paying a little too much attention to my rear.

 

“I think my ass is free of knots now, _ma Chérie!_ ” I laughed, but it was soon cut short when her hand dipped lower, skimming across the inside of my thighs.

 

“Hmm, and how about _other_ places?”

 

“I am _very_ tense.” I whimpered. “But I think I know how to rectify that, don’t you Cosima?”

 

She gasped when her fingers finally hit the junction between my thighs and glided easily through my folds.

 

“God, Delphine. You’re _so_ wet.”

 

Two fingers sunk effortlessly inside me and both of us whimpered with desire. She instantly curled her tantalizing digits forwards to rub across the spongey spot on the front wall of my heat. I had never felt _this_ good before and there were sounds leaving my mouth that I didn’t even recognise as my own.

 

I felt myself grow impossibly wetter under her ministrations and when she flipped me back onto my back and her hands found my clit, it wasn’t long until embarrassingly quickly, I was coming all over her skilled fingers, hands grasping desperately at her dreaded hair to keep me grounded.

 

And then when she traced her lips across my frame, mouth latching onto my nipples in turn, sucking hard, before reaching their final destination on my overly sensitive button, I lost all control I had over my body.

 

My hips were gyrating furiously against her mouth and my hold on her hair tightened, pushing her into me even harder. Her moans vibrated against my clit and that was enough to bring me soaring over the edge into a second moment of bliss.

 

“ _Holy watershed_ , that was hot!” She smiled cheekily as she came to rest beside me once again and I blushed furiously at her comment. As we kissed her lips tasted of my arousal. It was pleasantly erotic.

 

A loud series of bangs on her bedroom door caused us both to jump apart.

 

“If you two are finished shagging, we’re heading over to Bobby’s tonight for _Karaoke! ”_ The last word was said in a sing-song voice as the door swung open to reveal Felix in all his glory.

 

Of course, who else to interrupt but him.

 

“Shit, Felix, piss off!” Cosima shouted in the direction of the door. She pulled the blanket up higher to try and leave at least some of our dignity remaining. “What are you even doing in my flat?”

 

“Who cares, it’s party time! Get dressed. I’ll see you there.” Felix shouted back and turned on his heel to leave.

 

“Oh my god, Cosima. How much did he hear?”

 

I was certain this wouldn’t be the last we’d hear of the situation from Felix tonight.

 

 


	9. Back at Bobby's

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm super sleepy right now so I'm just going to leave you to enjoy this chapter!
> 
> It is a little NSFW towards the end... so be careful.
> 
> The song mid-way through is a cover of 'A Little Respect' and it is by Carrie Mac :)
> 
> Good night all and thank you from the bottom of my heart <3

“Seriously, I was just minding my own business going to get ready and BAM!” Felix stopped abruptly; the crowd of our friends all leant forward in interest, urging him to continue his version of the events.

 

“Suddenly, all I can hear is this pair shagging! His thumb jabs in our direction. I swear, I turned back to the kitchen straight away but it wasn’t enough to muffle the…”

 

“Dude, that’s enough. I’m certain that no one wants to know about this.” Cosima defended us. Her hand gripped mine harder when she noticed my head dip with embarrassment.

 

I was absolutely mortified. The cluster tonight was made up of Beth, Felix, Tony and Sarah. The latter two I had met for the first time this evening. The group let out a chorus of disgruntled mumbles and settled back in their seats.

 

“Wow, guys. Seriously?! Felix, if you say shagging one more time…” She exclaimed, but heartily. She didn’t seem to share the same innate reaction to blush as I did, and instead she looked cheeky and self-satisfied.

 

I shuffled off to get everyone another round of drinks, but on my way over to the bar I could clearly hear an intoxicated Cosima telling everyone how ‘mind-blowing’ it was. I chuckled to myself and let it slide. At least she had clearly enjoyed it as much as I had.

 

The club was a lot less packed than the first night I had spent here with Cosima. Although the bar area was popular, there were fewer people scattered on the dancefloor and a few tables remained free.

 

It was considerably more pleasant. I still had to wait a while to be served, but until my turn came around I just watched the silhouettes move around me. There were a few groups swaying their hips to the beat of the melodies, but the majority were stood conversing and drinking and a select few, well they already looked like they had _far_ too much to drink.

 

As I leant over the bar to shout the order into the waitress’s ear, I felt a pair of hands encircle my hips and a form pressed against me. I knew instantly that it was Cosima’s scent assailing my senses and knowing that it was her body touching my own so sweetly, I pushed my rear back with a gentle pressure and chuckled when I heard her breath catch sharply.

 

“Mmm, hey babe.” She slurred in my ear.

 

“Do you _have_ to call me that?” I grumbled playfully. The hands that rested on my hips applied a gentle pressure in order to turn me to face her. Cosima looked ridiculously hot that night. She was dressed in a tight fitting black dress that was almost bordering on too short, but with her black heeled ankle boots it left a perfect amount of her toned legs on show. I was definitely a leg woman…

 

I had to recalculate my usual positioning during our kisses, the boots made her appear much closer to my own height than I was used to and I didn’t want to risk clumsily bumping her on the nose.

 

The bartender tapped me on the shoulder not much later, and I twisted my body back to pay for the drinks. The coloured liquid glowed a vivacious emerald in the small glasses. Looking as potent as it tasted. I passed one to Cosima and held another in my own hand.

 

“Feeling brave tonight Delphine?” She asked boldly.

 

“ _Oui, ma Cherie_. I need to catch up with you!”  I shouted over the thumping music, just as she wobbled, the sticky green fluid sloshing out over the side of the tumbler.

 

“Careful.” I steadied her with my free hand. “Point proven by the way.”

 

We both downed our shots quickly, faces turned up in disgruntled grimaces at the taste. I carefully carried the small tray that held the rest of the drinks over to our table, with Cosima stumbling hot on my trail.

 

“Shots!” Felix yelled loudly, catching the attention of everyone in the vicinity.

 

The group made fast work of the beverages and it wasn’t long before Felix was rallying everyone up to get their names on the list for Karaoke.

 

“There is absolutely no way in hell, am I getting up there.”

 

“Oh come’on, Delphine. I’ve heard you sing in the shower…among other things” She trailed off and winked at me. “You’ve got a good voice!”

 

“You have to say that, you’re my girlfriend.” I complained. I firmly put the brakes on when she tried to drag me up to the DJ booth with her.

 

“ _Non_. _S’il te pla _ît_!”  _ I pleaded with her _._

 

“Okay, okay, spoil sport. But I’m getting up there!”

 

“ _Mon dieu_ , Cosima. Fine, go, but I’m just going to be your groupie from back here.” Quite possibly from underneath the table, or outside... It wasn’t truthfully Cosima I was worried about, it was Felix.

 

Sarah and Tony just shrugged and settled back in their seats to watch the show unfold.

 

“Not for you either?” I shouted.

 

“Nah.” Tony piped up. “We leave the drama to those two!”

 

Felix really was telling the truth the first time we came here. He did do a brilliant rendition of ‘Master of the House’ from _Les_ _Misérables_. Every single being in the club was on their feet clapping and cheering when he finished. I heard a couple next to me bellow to each other about how ‘Felix does it the best’ out of any of the regulars.

 

When the DJ announced over the speakers that it was Cosima’s turn to take centre stage, I watched with nervous, but bated breath. My emotions were fighting between awkwardness and awe. After all, I didn’t actually know if she could sing, or what she would even choose to sing.

 

The music started up and I caught her eye. She toyed with the microphone, tossing it between her hands, not able to keep it grasped in the same one for long. She threw another wink in my direction and drew a breath to start.

 

I recognised it instantly as Erasures ‘A Little Respect’ but it was a beautifully slow acoustic version. Her voice was husky but incredibly soft at the same time. She eased into the high notes with perfectly practiced hums and the low notes rolled smoothly from her chest. Likewise with Felix’s performance, the entire club was enthralled and everyone had gone silent. I felt a surge of pride as I grew more comfortable under her performance.

 

Sarah leant over to me and whispered in my ear.

 

“She’s bloody good isn’t she?”

 

“ _Oui, incroyable.”_  I mumbled back.

 

I leant forward at the table to get a better view of her. The area surrounding the small stage was beginning to get congested. She gave me a little wave in the interlude and I felt a few jealous glares pierce through me.

 

After she had finished she did a self-assured bow and the crowd hollered and applauded her. This clearly wasn’t the first time she had been up on that stage. She was incredible, and I felt my heart swell. I felt more in love with her than ever. I had also never felt so attracted to her. Was there anything this tiny woman couldn’t do?

 

It took her a while to make the small journey from the stage to our table due to the constant stream of admirers wanting to talk. I giggled to myself, it was ridiculous, but Cosima fed off the attention. When she finally made her way back, she smiled at me and waved coyly, which was pretty difficult given the round of drinks she was carrying for everyone.

 

“Free drinks on Bobby for my award-winning performance!” She yelled animatedly.

 

Cosima plonked herself down on my knee and wrapped her arms around my neck.

 

“You are _so_ modest _, ma petite chiot_. But really, that was _tr _é_ s belle_, Cosima. I didn’t know that you could sing.”

 

“Full of surprises me.”

 

I took a mental snapshot of the grin that spread over her features in that moment. Her white fangs creeping in at the corners, glossy eyes shining brightly and pupils slightly dilated from the alcohol.

 

We shared a few chaste kisses as the two of us and the rest of our friends finished the drinks Cosima had brought over. When the others left to go and dance, I pulled her further into my lap.

 

“ _I’ve never been as attracted to you as I am right now…_ ” I spoke softly in her ear. I felt the shudder run through her body at my words, and the grip on the back of my neck tightened.

 

“Bathroom… now!” She growled. When she saw me hesitate, letting her words sink in, she wrapped her fingers around my hand and tugged me in the direction of the toilets. Cosima hurried me into the furthest stall and her lips crashed hard into my own.

 

“Cosima, we can’t!” I tried to protest and I tried desperately to resist her.

 

“I want you, I want you, I want you.” She chanted in a throaty murmur against my neck.

 

She heaved her dress up and pushed her tights down out of the way and her fingers guided mine towards the wetness between her legs, there was no going back now. Not when I could feel how aroused she was.  

 

I slid a single finger into her and revelled in the moan that she gasped. We kissed each other desperately with bruised lips as I pumped into her with a second digit and my hips rocked against the base of my hand, pushing my fingers in deeper against her sweet spot.

 

Her whimpers were starting to become noticeable over the muffled sounds of the club, so I clamped a hand softly over her mouth. When she bit my finger it only urged me along. The hand that wasn’t already fucking her began to rub messy circles over her clit, and it wasn’t long before she was screaming out my name whilst coming undone through my touch.

 

I removed my hand from her mouth and gave her a soft kiss on swollen pink flesh.

 

“ _Fuck, Delphine_.” She groaned hoarsely.

 

A loud chortle of laugher brought us from our moment.

 

“Bloody hell, Felix was right, Beth!”

 

 “You’ve got to be _fucking_ serious.” I muttered. Could the two of us not catch a break?

 

I helped Cosima straighten out her dress and in return she tried to soothe the mess that my curls had tangled into during our heated caresses. Finally, admitting defeat we opened the stall door to face our demise.

 

Sarah had jumped up to perch on the sink and Beth was busy fussing with her locks in the mirror, the two of them deep in conversation.

 

“Well, well, well. Look who it is!” Sarah couldn’t contain her laughter and it came out as a loud snort, which only helped in reducing Beth to tears along with her.

 

“Cos, your dress is still tucked into your knickers.”

 

“ _Shit!”_ Cosima flushed a deep shade of pink that spread across her cheekbones. If I had caught myself in the mirror, I’m sure my own reflection would have mirrored her exact appearance.

 

She wobbled against me and I slipped an arm under her own to hold her up. She pressed her face into my shoulder and groaned. Her self-assurance from earlier was clearly dwindling.

 

Although I had almost matched her drink for drink, it hadn’t seemed to have affected me even half as much.

 

“Come on my _petite_ lightweight. Let’s get you home to bed.”

 

We said a short series of goodbyes to the rest of the group and left them to finish their festivities. The journey back to our apartment was thankfully short and uneventful. I carried a sleepy Cosima on my back - with difficulty - up the stairs and down the corridor leading to my room. I stripped her of her clothing and threw one of my large comfy t-shirts over her head and one over my own, before tucking her tightly under the covers.

 

By the time I’d folded her dress up onto the office chair, she was already softly snoring. Her phone pinged as I was climbing in next to her, and I glanced at the home screen quickly to check it wasn’t Felix or either of the girls. She just had one new email. I reminded myself to tell her in the morning and soon after my head hit the pillow, I too was succumbed by sleep.

 

 


	10. Subtle Changes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good evening as always pals!
> 
> I hope you enjoy the following chapter. It took an unexpected turn at the end and is now NSFW!
> 
> Sorry, this pair just kind of write themselves!
> 
> Love to you all!
> 
> Sian

I awoke to an uncomfortable weight pressed on my chest, depriving me of the air I needed. I forced a single eye open to see what was restricting my breath, although the eye was not fully focused yet I could make out the slight blur of Cosima’s body, draped over my own. She was inhaling softly and there was a small tug of a smile on the corner of her lips, even deep in her slumber.

 

I shift slightly underneath her weight, trying to wriggle into a position in which I could actually breathe properly. Tracing a careful finger down the side of her face made her nestle further into my side.

 

I glanced at the clock to the left of me on the side table and noticed it was only just past 7am. It was entirely unacceptable to be up this early, especially after last night. My head still swam with the effects of the alcohol, but thankfully there was no pounding in my skull…yet.

 

Cosima, without a doubt, would be feeling more than worse for wear when she woke. Though for now, deep in her slumber she seemed content.

 

7:05, still too early. With that in mind and now in a far more comfortable position I let myself drift back off to sleep, arms wrapped tightly around Cosima’s waist.

 

When I woke for the second time that morning, or was it now afternoon? It was to the sound of Cosima’s loud groans and wriggling movements.

 

“ _Ma Cherie_ , lie still.” I warned, my eyes still fused shut.

 

The fidgeting didn’t stop upon my request like I wished it to.

 

“Cosima, can you please st…” I started to caution for a second time.

 

A heavy thwack across my face stunned me into rousing and I instinctively sat up. The petite brunette beside me wasn’t awake like I first assumed, but was thrashing around in her sleep. Muffled mumbles and groans forced their way through taught pink lips.

 

I rubbed the tender spot on my cheek to soothe the prickling pain and then tentatively reached out a hand towards her face to try and soothe her. When it failed to visibly help Cosima’s distress, I changed my tactic and instead attempted to gently shake her into waking up.

 

I straddled her body and after a few pushes against her shoulder, she awoke abruptly and her eyes shot open. Though as soon as our gazes met her posture instantly softened and she nuzzled her face into the hand that cupped her jaw.

 

“Morning, _Gorgeous_.” She said huskily, voice slick with sleep and rolled her hips up towards me.

 

“Were you having a nightmare?”

 

“If I was, I’m already a thousand times better just for seeing your beautiful face.”

 

“ _Mon dieu_ , Cosima. Are you still intoxicated?” I laughed at her, sprawled underneath me. Her dreads were a mess on the pillow and her eyeliner was smudged at the edges where she had attempted to rub her eyes.

 

“Only with love.” She drawled and I hit her playfully.

 

“ _Mon amour_ , you are going soft on me.”

 

“Hmm, am I now? I guess I’ll have to prove different…”

 

Her hands traveled to the back of my neck to pull me in for a kiss. I relented and let myself enjoy the moment whilst it lasted. But as almost all of our embraces do, it started to heat up fast and Cosima began to grind against me, fingers seeking out my breasts underneath the large shirt. Feeling myself losing control, I pulled her hands back and pinned them at the side of her face.

 

“No fair…” She panted heavily.

 

“Stop distracting me Cosima, we are already late leaving this nest of a bed. If you want dinner tonight we need to go shopping.” The colour drained from her face, the flush of our kisses quickly leaving her cheeks.

 

“I don’t want to go today.” She mumbled quietly into the pillow.

 

“You said that yesterday too. What’s wrong?” My fingers traced the side of her face and tried to encourage her to look at me again.

 

“I just don’t want to okay, Delphine. Stop pushing me.”

 

Cosima forced me off of her brusquely and fled towards the bathroom, slamming the door shut and locking it hastily. I was shocked into to silence for a while. Not quite comprehending what had just happened or why the supermarket was suddenly such a huge issue.

 

Not long after she disappeared I heard the shower begin to run. I busied myself as I waited for her to return, stacking the unorganised papers on her desk into a neat pile. Eventually I had run out of tidying to do and I worked on getting myself dressed in the spare clothes I kept in her wardrobe.

 

My hair was a disheveled mess, so I pulled it back into a messy bun. I applied a light layer of make-up and wrapped myself up in one of Cosima’s hoodies. I perched on her desk. My heart was pounding in my chest. I couldn’t help but run over in my mind what had happened.

 

We like most people, had our fair share of disagreements, but this seemed different. I put it down to being over tired and hungover from the night before, and vowed to smooth things over with her once she reappeared.

 

The sound of the lock clunking back into place brought me from my thoughts, and a sheepish looking Cosima emerged in a cloud of steam from the en-suite wrapped in a large bath towel. She tiptoed shyly towards me.

 

“Hey, I’m _really_ sorry. I don’t know what came over me.”

 

Once she stood in front of me, my hands reached out to caress her sides through the towel, helping at first to dry her soft skin. She leant into my touch and instead I decided to just pull her into a tight embrace. Her damp dreads tickled my neck and her head wedged against my shoulder. When I felt her start to shiver, I tugged her away from me and held her at arm’s length, inspecting.

 

A droplet of water ran down her cheek, only I wasn’t convinced it was water. My suspicions were confirmed when she sniffled and another tear left the corner of her eye.

 

“Cosima, what is it?” In answer she just shook her head sadly. “Okay, come on. Let’s get you something to eat and we’ll go from there.”

 

After a large bowl of cereals, Cosima was looking a lot more relaxed. The worried creases around her eyes began to soften and she seemed back to herself again. Pushing my luck, I chanced the fatal question for a second time, but luckily it was well received.

 

We strolled hand in hand to the shops, the afternoon sun had reached its peak and the warm rays hit our bare forearms, warming through to the bone. It was a pleasantly nice day and the streets were busy. We vowed to spend the evening together on the green at the front of the university.

 

As we neared the entrance, Cosima halted suddenly, nearly pulling my arm from the socket. Her hand twitched nervously against mine. Uncertain of what to do, I turned to face her and I tried to convey reassurance through my eyes. My fingers squeezed gently and my thumb rubbed circles.

 

She took a deep shuddering breath and then I noticed it. It was the same look she had that night I went to rescue Beth. I hadn’t imagined it after all. She looked like she would take off in the opposite direction any given minute.

 

I held her hand tighter and encouraged her to follow me into the store.

 

“You can push the trolley?” I promised. She carefully considered my proposal, and eventually she nodded eagerly and I let go of a breath I didn’t realise I was holding.

 

By the time we had entered the store, Cosima was back to her playful self again and I struggled to keep control of her and get the shopping done at the same time. Every time I turned around to place something in the trolley, she’d disappeared off down another aisle.

 

At one point I sent her to get carrots and then lost sight of her for a further ten minutes. In the end I found her enamoured by a section of fridges that were releasing dry ice over the vegetables to keep them cool.

 

“Delphine, how cool is this?!” She exclaimed loudly. A few people in the vicinity turned around to glance at her squawking.

 

“Is this where you have been all this time?”

 

“But look at it!” She reached out her hand to touch the mist in front of her.

 

“You are _impossible, ma Cherie._ Come on, we’re nearly finished now.” I grabbed the end of the trolley with my free hand and practically dragged Cosima away from the vegetables.

 

We finished up the last part of the shop speedily and it wasn’t long before we finally arrived back at her apartment, tired shoulders and sore red fingers from the weight of the bags. Cosima was sprawled on the communal couch whilst I worked swiftly to put away all of the food in the correct places.

 

I could feel her eyes burning holes in my skin every time I leant over to place something in the lower cupboard. I continued on with the mundane job knowing that as soon as it was finished I could turn my attention back to my mischievous girlfriend.

 

However a deep groan was quick to distract me from the task in head and my head spun around so fast that I’m certain I pulled a muscle in my neck. I too easily recognised that sound. The jar of sauce I was holding crashed to the floor.

 

Cosima was still sprawled across the furniture, but only now her head hung over the end and her mouth was slack in a perfect ‘O’, and nimble deft fingers were working under the fabric of her patterned jeans, the silver button popped open.

 

For a while I was stunned to the spot and could do nothing more than watch the outline of my girlfriend’s fingers moving against her skin. I felt the heat gathering between my legs at the sight of her, she looked _incroyable_.

 

“ _Oh god, Delphine. I want you.”_  

 

“ _Je te veux aussi_.” I whispered. Her lips curled up into a confident smile. She got me exactly where she wanted me. I moved closer to the sofa, still intent on watching her pleasure herself.

 

But as her gasps and pants grew louder and closer together, I couldn’t resist running my fingers up the inside of her thighs, squeezing hard before tugging the jeans and underwear from her body.

 

A groan ripped from my chest when I saw her slick digits disappearing rapidly into her heat and I couldn’t resist pushing them aside so I could have my way with her. At first she protested, but when my tongue flicked against her clit she quickly changed her mind, hands finding purchase in my hair and pulling me tightly into her.

 

In the back of my mind I was aware that anyone could walk in at any given point, but when Cosima was making those incredibly sexy sounds, I couldn’t care less about anything other than making her come.

 

Easily sensing how close she was to climaxing, I pushed two fingers inside of her and curled them skilfully into _that_ spot. A final suck on her button and she came undone underneath me with a scream, hands grasping wildly at my hair.

 

When I finally looked up, her head was still thrown back against the couch and a lazy smile graced her lips. I planted a final kiss against her heat and she yelped, still sensitive.

 

I chuckled and grabbing the blanket that was draped over the sofa, I shimmied upwards level to her face and wrapped it over her lower body. I nuzzled my nose with hers and placed a soft kiss on her rosy lips.

 

“You are so incredibly cheeky, Cosima.”

 

“Just kiss me, Cormier!”

 

 


	11. Downfall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good evening all,  
> Apologies for the late post.   
> A warning to everyone who is sensitive to issues concerning anxiety disorder, you may want to turn back.  
> Please all be careful and look after yourselves!  
> I'm sorry I had to write this chapter the way it is, but I can only hope I do everything justice.  
> Thank you reader,  
> Sian.

The last few weeks of summer flew by like time always did when I was with Cosima. We spent most of our days enjoying the, for most, warmer weather and packed in as many activities as possible. Both knowing that as soon as school started again, we’d be back to only having fleeting amounts of time together.

 

The end of summer also signified that time of year when it came to moving on into new apartments. The student loan I had been granted for the next academic year was a larger sum than previously, so I stretched my rent budget and decided to move five minutes further from campus, but traded it for much better accommodation. It also meant that I could have my own space.

 

When Cosima went away to spend a week with her parents, I took that opportunity to move all of my things into my new home for the next nine months. It took Beth and I three days, and the help of Sarah’s partner Cal (thank goodness he owned a van) to get it completed.

 

But the new place was worth the hard work. I was certain that Cosima would appreciate the new space we would have to ourselves. It was a damn sight better than the older student apartments, new furnishings graced the rooms and there was smooth undamaged plaster on the walls as opposed to the usual painted bricks.

 

A large desk graced the majority of the room, giving me plenty of space to conduct my work and it had a proper bathroom instead of an en-suite style wet room. However, that didn’t stop me flooding the shower on my first night there. It turns out the shower tray was liable to leaking if the door was not shut properly.

 

But we live and learn.

 

Cosima returned to the university three days after I had finished moving in. So by then the apartment was looking homely and lived it. I couldn’t wait to show her around.

 

I was busy making dinner when the receiver on the wall buzzed to signify her arrival, I hastily ran down the stairs to meet her.

 

“Bonjour, _ma Cherie_! How was your trip?” I scooped her into a tight hug and spent a while just breathing in her scent. _Mon dieu_ , I had missed her. I had almost forgotten how perfectly she fit against my body. Like two compatible Tetris pieces.

 

“It was lovely, but I’m really glad to back with you now. My parents keep nagging me about meeting you in person, so I’m sure that will be fun.” She groaned.

 

“I feel like I’m pretty good at parent pleasing, so I would be glad to oblige!”

 

“Dude, you’ve not met _my_ parents.” I chuckled at her use of the word dude.

 

“Cosima, don’t _dude_ me. Come’on, I’ve got dinner on the go.” I slapped her playfully and then dragged her inside the building.

 

“Oooh Miss Cormier, what are we having?” She asked as we scaled the stairs to the second floor. Even the stairwell of this building was a vast improvement. Large windows adorned the corridors and a soft plush carpet covered the stairs.

 

“Not that I don’t appreciate the effort, but can we just skip dinner and get right to desert? I’ve not seen you for an entire week, Delphine.” She shimmied up behind me and forced her hands around my ass.

 

“You are so impatient, _mon couer_. You’ve been with your parents for that week, haven’t you heard of eating all of your dinner before you’re allowed desert?” I teased.

 

“Yes, but you should know by now that I don’t like to play by the rules. Especially when I have such a gorgeous woman like you as my girlfriend.”

 

“ _Impossible_.” I muttered.

 

I eventually managed to convince Cosima that dinner would be well worth the wait, and she not like a couple of weeks ago, made herself comfortable on the brown fabric sofa, sprawling across the length of it. It wasn’t quite as big as the one in her apartment, so her tiny feet hung over the edges, and bounced restlessly.

 

“ _Don’t_ get any ideas! If I burn this food, you’ll be the one to blame.” I warned.

 

“Delphine, you think _so_ little of me. Plus, I’m pretty hungry and intrigued now.”

 

Once dinner was finally ready Cosima had drifted off to sleep with the television on. She was watching old repeats of Escape to the Country – no wonder she was asleep. She looked so peaceful I didn’t want to disturb her, but equally I had worked so hard on dinner, I didn’t want her to taste it cold!

 

I straddled her the best I could on the small piece of furniture and pressed a series of sloppy kisses across her cheeks until she started to stir.

 

“Mmm, there is no better way to be woken up than this. Am I in heaven?”

 

“You will be when you’ve tasted this! Come.”

 

I lead her towards the small table by the full length window. We had a great view of the people passing by on the street below.

 

“There’s even candles!” She squealed excitedly when she saw my table set up.

 

“I know how to _woo_ , a lady.” I winked at her and a small blush creeped across her cheek bones. When I pulled out her chair for her, she beamed with her signature grin, tongue poking through teeth.

 

A look I endeavoured to see every day I spent with her.

 

“Mmm, Delphine. That food was incredible! Is this some kind of magical French family recipe?”

 

I laughed. “Non. But a magical recipe from that student cookbook gathering dust in your room.”

 

“Damn, I really should have read that. Although, I doubt my cooking skills are enough to pull it off this well. It would probably just end up burnt, And then there is the likely mess afterwards…”

 

“Actually, you’re right. Please don’t burn your apartment _or mine_ down, and if your other habits are anything to go by, you’re right about the mess.”

 

“Hey, what habits?” She leant across the table and swatted my arm.

 

I just shook my head in despair. What was I going to do with her?

 

It took nearly an hour to finish tidying and cleaning the kitchen that evening, and when we finally crashed into bed, fresh sheets crinkling under our weight, we were both shattered.

 

Cosima rolled over to my side of the bed and pressed her face into my neck from behind. Her soft breaths caressed my tired skin and the rhythm of her gentle heartbeat pumping on my back began to soothe me to sleep.

 

I felt a quiet mumble against my neck, which brought me from the edge of slumber.

 

“ _Oui, ma Cherie?”_ I whispered quietly into the darkness.

 

“I can’t sleep. Can we stay up and talk?” The arm that was draped across my waist tightened.

 

“Of course, what’s bothering you?”

 

“Being in this place feels weird. I feel on edge.”

 

“It will at first, we haven’t been here long. But you will get used to it soon enough.” I turned over to pull Cosima to me and she rested her head on my chest. “We have our trip to the beach to look forward to tomorrow, close your eyes and think of that.” I tried to pacify her, not liking the uncertainty with which she spoke, or the way her voice wavered as she tried to convey her feelings.

 

“Delphine, I’m scared. I don’t understand why I feel this way.” My heart crumbled. She sounded so incredibly broken. My eyes had about adjusted to the light, and I could make out the faint outline of her lip quivering.

 

“Cosima _, je t’aime, ma vie_. We will get through this, I promise you that. I’m here for you.” The wet tears streamed down her face and splashed onto my bare chest. I tried to desperately tug her into closer to me, but it wasn’t enough. It would never be enough.

 

I rocked her gently against me until the sobs slowly turned to sniffles, and the sniffles reduced to soft regular inhales of breath, signifying that she was finally asleep. I ran my fingers aimlessly through the dreads, still trying to calm her even during sleep – not wanting nightmares to haunt her dreams.

 

As for myself, I didn’t drift off into peaceful rest. I remained awake for the remainder of the night just holding her, weighing up my options. I couldn’t be certain for sure what was bothering Cosima, nor what had caused it or triggered it. And though I didn’t want to jump to conclusions, there was a nagging feeling that I had heard of similar symptoms during my studies.

 

An increased level of the stress hormone cortisol, which triggers the ‘fight or flight’ response in a human, is purely designed to increase heart rate and reflexes in the event of emergency – but in Cosima’s seeming case, increased levels of this hormone were potentially occurring when there was no ‘real’ threat to her being, and her mind was drawing irrational suppositions to everyday situations.

 

There were not just the physical chemical reactions though. There are cognitive structuring processes, where the brain learns to be afraid of certain triggers completely out of a person’s control. The situations then onset the anxiety and the cortisol release which fires the neurons in the brain and over a length of time they wire together and it becomes a learnt reaction.

 

Though, they say that a person can have a predisposition towards anxiety in general. But Cosima’s confidence and self-assuredness only swayed the evidence in the opposite direction. It never occurred to me that it would be possible for her to struggle in situations. She was outgoing. She _loved_ being the centre of attention. I was perplexed.

 

My mind whirred, thinking the science through, frantically grasping at straws for a way to help and a way to stop it from developing further. But I was no expert, nor could I be sure that there was not another cause.

 

Either way, I didn’t want to believe that anything was wrong. So I naively pushed my thoughts aside and worked on comforting her and just being there for her when she struggled.

 

I had fallen for Cosima and I loved her dearly. In my mind, that was the only thing that was significant, and I made a silent promise to love her and protect her, even if I didn’t necessarily know how to go about it.

 

Eventually though, the day came where things took a turn for the worst. The email Cosima had received the night I had previously spent at hers was an interview for an internship at the Dyad Institute - a highly desired place to be by all Biological students. But I will never forget the call I received that following evening.

 

The phone rang loudly and vibrated against the kitchen work top. I was busy making dinner for Cosima’s return so that we could celebrate her successful interview. She had spent the last few weeks preparing and I just knew that she would be incredible.

 

“ _Allo?”_  

 

“Delphine…” A voice rasped down the receiver. “I can’t do it, I can’t do it.”

 

The colour ran from my face, and my heart pounded in my chest.

 

“Do what, _ma Cherie_? What has happened?”

 

 


	12. Unraveling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovely readers!
> 
> As per the last chapter, please be careful with this one too! Anxiety is mentioned pretty heavily.
> 
> I'm actually really nervous about this chapter, so I would be interested in hearing your thoughts.
> 
> I hope you don't feel like I've skipped too much out, or not covered something enough, but this felt like the natural progression.
> 
> Stay safe everyone, love to you all!
> 
> SianRuns.

“Do what,  _ma Cherie_? What has happened?”

 

“The train, I can’t get on the train.” Her breath was rasping down the phone, I could barely make out her words over the gasps.

 

“Cosima, you got the train there? Just do exactly the same. When it pulls up at the station, just walk through the doors and focus on seeing me when you get home. You can do it.” I tried to talk her through the anxiety the best I could. But I was lost. I didn’t know what she needed.

 

“I can’t, I can’t, I can’t.” I could hear her repeating the phrase down the receiver.

 

“Yes you can, of course you can. You’ve done it a thousand times before.” I attempted to choose my words carefully, but I was still aiming blind. I felt my way desperately through the torrent of emotions coursing through my mind.

 

“Cosima, please breathe. You’re scaring me. You need to try your best to stay calm.” I sobbed and started to break down, the tears streamed down my cheeks. I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I was _frightened_.

 

I knew I _needed_ to be strong for her, but I was out of my depth. I _didn’t know_ what to do. Cosima was the strong one and Cosima looked after me. The role reversal was unnerving at least and at most terrifying.

 

“Delphine, please, I need you.” The moment I heard her plead that way, any resolve I had snapped instantly and my brain kicked into gear, formulating a plan.

 

“Cosima, stay calm, I’m coming to get you. I’ll be on the next train that pulls into the platform, I promise.” Still running on adrenaline alone, I grabbed the dinner off the heat and slung it across the worktop, not really caring where it landed. I strode quickly towards the bedroom, and tugged the first pair of jeans I could find over my long legs, getting frustrated when I couldn’t get my foot through the hole at the bottom.

 

The phrase ‘more haste, less speed’ sprung to mind, but it was shortly overridden by an innate desire to just get to Cosima as soon as I possibly could. Her favourite hoody was slung over the back of my desk chair and I hastily pulled it over my shoulders on my way out of the door.

 

The walk to the station was wearisome. Feeling the way I did, it was easy to feel like time stood still, almost like I travelled that short journey in slow motion – though I know that no more than ten minutes could have passed.

 

My heart still pounded in my chest, unrelenting. I felt an inexorable sickness at the worry pouring through my veins. I did not know how she would be when I finally got there. I couldn’t shake the thought of her tiny body huddled in some corner at the station, rocking herself and wheezing for breath.

 

I experienced great unease myself as I fought with the ticket machine. The journey I planned to take was one that I would usually meticulously plan to erase any fears of ending up at the wrong destination. My fingers trembled across the touch screen as I prodded at the letters displayed there. Eventually a passer-by took pity on me and completed the purchase for me as I stood and wept silently.

 

Ticket finally at the ready, I fought my way through the barriers and made my way to the platform displayed on flimsy paper in my grasp. Thankfully, I didn’t have much time to ponder as the train screamed into the station only seconds later.

 

Much like the trip to the station, time went in slow motion as the train progressed from its stop and I was finally one step closer to getting to Cosima. I wiped at the tears in the corner of my eyes with the sleeve of her jumper. It smelled wholly of her, and it felt like home.

 

I was grateful that I spent the train ride unaccompanied with no-one occupying the seat next to me. I needed to be alone with my thoughts as I tried to work out what steps to take once I reached her. But as hard as I thought, I didn’t have a plan.

 

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat when the driver announced over the tanoy that we would be arriving shortly. I released a breath I had no idea I was holding. I was almost with her. My phone buzzed in the pocket of my jeans. I panicked and wrenched it from the confines frantically, not wanting to miss the call.

 

“ _Allo?_ Cosima?”

 

“Hey Del! It’s me! How’s it going? So there’s this party tonight and we should totally go. I feel like I’ve not seen you for ages. How long has it even been? Three days? I mean, it’s practically a life time…” Beth rambled on down the receiver, I’m certain she didn’t even take a breath.

 

“Beth, now is _really_ not a good time.” I stressed. The train was beginning to slow, rocking gently on the uneven tracks and signalling that it was due to pull into the station any minute.

 

“Is everything okay? You don’t sound too great, Del.” Palpable concern beleaguered her voice.

 

“I promise I will call you later.” And with no further explanation, my finger swiped the red button to end the call. I know I had a lot of explaining to do, but it could not happen at this moment in time.

 

I saw her the moment the train pulled up. She was wrapped up in her red coat, scarf and hat pulled over the majority of her face, with her knees to her chest. Her framed eyes peeked over the top of the material and the signature black eye-liner was smudged messily in the corners of her eyes. A looked she donned too regularly at the moment for my liking.

 

“Cosima!” I cried across the platform and sprinted towards her. “ _Oh ma Cherie, ma Cherie_.” I repeated as I scooped her into my arms. “I’m here, I’m here.” I soothed. Her tears had ceased, but her body still quaked in my embrace. I cradled her face in my hands and pressed my forehead against hers.

 

“I’m sorry.” She mumbled and her bottom lip quivered.

 

“ _Never_ be sorry, _Mon Amour_.” I held her for what seemed like forever until her body warmed to my own and the shivers came to an end. When the next train screeched into the platform, I attempted to make Cosima move.

 

An announcement made it clear that the locomotive would be staying put for the next twenty minutes whilst the drivers changed shifts. I crossed my fingers, and longed that it would give me enough time to get her moving.

 

“Come, we should get home. It’s getting late.” She was so silent that I had to check if she was still awake. “Cosima?” I shook her gently. The sun was beginning to skulk behind the buildings and a cold shadow began to creep over our bodies.

 

“I’m too tired, Delphine.” She sounded defeated, exhausted and snuggled tighter into my side, limbs heavy. Although it wasn’t the answer I wanted to hear, at least she was too drained to protest the move.

 

I wriggled my way out of her hold and rose from the bench. I took some time straightening out her scarf and coat so that it sat comfortably on her form, before taking her palms in mine and hauling her up.

 

I slipped my shoulder under her arm the best I could, and helped her over to the nearest entrance onto the train. She faltered as we got closer, but I continued to whisper words of encouragement and promises in her ear.

 

As per her request, we settled in the two seats nearest to the door. Due to the time of day, it was almost entirely empty. A few business men and women were littered across the coach and an elderly couple slept softly on each other’s shoulders, but it was deafly silent.

 

It wasn’t long before we were back in the city and I was waking Cosima to announce our arrival.

 

“ _Ma Cherie_ , we are here. Let’s get you home, I’ve called us a cab.” I spoke softly and half carried her from the coach. She mumbled a broken thank you and her head lolled against my shoulder.

 

When we arrived back at my apartment that night, I whacked the heater on full blast and stripped her of her clothing, carefully pealing back the layers. She had looked stunning, dressed smartly in her interview attire. Dreads scraped back into a tidy bun and a black blazer jacket over her favourite maroon dress.

 

_I’m certain you blew them away._ I thought to myself as we climbed under the sheets, you still blow me away every single day. Once we were wrapped warm and tightly in our cocoon, Cosima found the energy to speak.

 

“I really appreciate what you did for me today. You shouldn’t have had to do that.”

 

“You know I would be there each and every time.” I replied. There wasn’t even an ounce of uncertainty in my voice. Our skin touched along the length of our bodies and my senses tingled at the heat.

 

“That doesn’t make it okay. Delphine, I think there is something… wrong with me. But I promise you I will fight it with everything I have.”

 

“I will be right by your side the whole time. We’ll do this together.”

 

“God, I love you so much. I don’t deserve you.”

 

When I kissed her, I kissed her with everything I had. My lips danced against hers deftly and she whimpered into my touch. The caresses sealed the promises I made to her and I projected every ounce of love in my body onto her, and I could only pray that she too felt the intensity of emotions between us.

 

That night was where I vowed to myself, to both of us, to protect her and support her from that moment on. Whatever it took.

 

Though I would be lying if I said it was easy. And as summer came to a fast end and the academic year was in full swing, Cosima got progressively worse. We spent more time huddled up in either of our flats, though mostly mine, favoured due to the fact that it was silent and shared with no others.

 

We unfortunately began to lose touch with our friends; there were only so many times they were willing to hear the same excuses over cancelled get-togethers. But we muddled through. We had each other and I fooled myself into believing that we were okay in our bubble. Love is a powerful sensation and it was easy to live off that alone.

 

Most days I manged to convince her to attend her lectures with some reassurance and a lot of bribing. Some days she’d scream at me first, for not understanding, not understanding that it wasn’t that easy for her. I lived my life balanced on a cliff-edge, not knowing where I would stand each day, each hour sometimes.

 

Eventually the day came where 95% of the time, Cosima was someone I no longer recognised. She looked the same, albeit more exhausted, drained and gaunt. She rarely managed to leave the house other than to attend classes and we fought a lot. Her cheekiness was a sporadic and her smiles were absent.

 

I lived for the good days. Those were the days where she smiled that cheeky grin, the light at the end of the tunnel days in which we would disappear off on adventures just like before. They became fewer and father between, but they were still worth every second.

 

A lot changed outside of Cosima’s anxiety too. We lost another hard year to university but both finished our studies, graduating among proud parents that following summer. It had been difficult, yet we made it, and I would never regret the fights I ensued when pushing her to go to lectures and continue writing her assignments.

 

Cosima aced her interview with the Dyad institute, much to her surprise and my elation. Of course, the news took its toll on her. It wasn’t easy to convince her to accept the role, but we talked through it heavily and bargained that she would take six months out to work on getting the help she needed, before beginning work at the lab under Dr Leekie himself.

 

I manged to land myself a role at a nearby university, studying host parasite relationships and took on the part of supporting us both until Cosima was ready to go back to work.

 

It is here that we find ourselves back at the beginning of our story. Squashed together in a lukewarm bathtub. Tomorrow marked the first day of Cosima’s treatment. Being her usual stubborn self it had taken months to convince her to try Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.

 

She was rightly, skeptical about the treatment, but was adamant that drugs were not the answer. So we spent weeks doing our research to find the perfect therapist. At this point, I was willing to try anything and anyone. I was almost _, excited_ about the prospect of her feeling better, getting my Cosima back.

 

“ _Je t’aime_ , Cosima. Tomorrow marks our new start, and then we can begin the rest of our lives together.”

 

 


	13. Romance isn't Dead

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good evening all!
> 
> Hope you are well. Please enjoy the chapter!
> 
> Apologies for any mistakes, it's getting late but I wanted to deliver this to you :)
> 
> This chapter is NSFW, so be careful.
> 
> <3

“ _Bonsoir, ma Cherie_!” I called from the hallway as I crossed the threshold into the apartment. The aroma of cooking dinner assaulted my senses instantly and I followed my nose to find the source.

 

“ _Allo?_ Cosima?” When I entered the kitchen, I gasped. Cosima had set the table and covered it with a delicate red cloth. Candles burnt softly with flickering flames that cast a gentle glow of light across the room. A vase of roses decorated the centre and a white envelope was placed at my seat, my name written on it in her elusive hand writing.

 

I was filled with hope at the sight, was Cosima starting to feel better already? My girlfriend was nowhere to be seen however, so I decided to open the letter, intrigue getting the better of me.

 

**Delphine, my love. I’ve just popped home to get changed, dinner should almost be ready but I’ll sort that when I get back. Get changed into something nice. See you soon, Cosima.**

 

A rush of giddy excitement shot through me. I couldn’t remember the last time we had a romantic evening in together, nor could I remember the last time Cosima cooked for me – although for the most part, that was a blessing in disguise.

 

I trotted down the hall and riffled through my wardrobe trying to find something suitable. I settled on a tight black lace dress. One that I was sure Cosima hadn’t seen me wear before. It finished mid-thigh and had a silver zip running up the front.

 

Feeling cheeky I decided to leave underwear behind. I knew that it drove her wild. I quickly applied a small amount of eyeliner, ruffled my hands through the curls to tame them and made my way swiftly back to the kitchen.

 

Just as I was about to sit down I heard the lock click to signify Cosima’s return. I turned to face her quickly in anticipation, eager to see what she was wearing. I wasn’t disappointed. A plum coloured dress hugged her figure and small panels were missing from the sides so I could catch a glimpse of the soft olive skin above her hips.

 

I reached out to embrace her, nuzzling my face tight into her neck. My fingers quickly found where they wanted to be and grazed the soft skin tenderly. She hummed against my touch and I brought my lips to hers for a chaste kiss. Her fingers toyed with the zip on my dress.

 

“ _Tu es belle_ , Cosima.” I whispered.

 

“You don’t look too bad yourself, Cormier.” She laughed and it was music to my ears.

 

“ _Merci_ , for all of this. I love it. ” I gestured to the set-up behind me just as a beep sounded from the oven. She grinned and took my hand to lead me to the table.

 

“Sit. Leave the rest to me. Wine for the beautiful lady?” I chuckled, and answered a definite yes to the question. She dexterously poured the red liquid into two crystal glasses and we clinked them together. After that she headed in the direction of the oven to serve the dinner, but not before hitting play on her iPod.

 

“Canon in D Major? Cosima, I didn’t take you for a Pachelbel fan.” I teased.

 

“Actually you are right, I’m more of a Tchaikovsky girl myself but I thought you’d like this.” She winked at me. _Brat_. I went to stand up to give her a hand, but was immediately scolded and ordered to sit back down.

 

So instead I relaxed into my chair and let the music fill me.

 

“Are you ready for this?” Cosima asked as she brought the plates over.

 

“So ready. I’ve _never_ been this hungry.”

 

The food was absolutely delicious and cooked to perfection. She had even cleaned the pots as she went so all I had to help with after dinner were the plates we just used. It was a faultless evening and even more perfect to see her smiling. I couldn’t ask for any more.

 

After we were all cleaned up we spent a while relaxing on the sofa together watching mindless television. Her hands were entwined with my own and our fingers traced patterns on each other’s palms.

 

“Delphine?”

 

“Yes, _Mon Amour?”_

 

“I know tonight wasn’t quite the same as going out for a meal, but I wanted to do something nice for you and I promise I am working hard on it.”

 

“I am proud of you, Cosima. Tonight was perfect, you are perfect.”

 

“And you are too soppy.” She made an over exaggerated gagging noise at my words.

 

“Grow up!” I pinched at her sides tickling her and she let out a yelp, and when trying to wriggle from my grasp she fell off the sofa with a thud.

 

“Ouch, Delphine!” She wailed at the top of her voice and I winced at the pitch and volume of it. She shot me a smug look when she saw that it had the desired effect.

 

I rose from the sofa and reached over to grab her hands and pull her from the carpet. When she was facing me her eyes glazed over slightly.

 

“I love this dress on you. Come with me.” Cosima whispered assertively.

 

She lead me towards the bedroom by the hand. She hadn’t even touched me yet, but my nerve endings were already working overtime and the excitement was building between my legs.

 

“I’m going to take care of you for a change.” She spoke softly and pushed me down onto the bed, straddling my thighs. “As much as I love this dress, it is coming off.” Cosima tugged slowly at the zipper, each inch revealing more of my body.          

 

As she removed the dress from my shoulders her fingers mapped out the plains of my pale skin, lingering on my collar bone and around the top of my bra. She motioned silently for me to lift up so that she could reach to undo the clasp behind my back.

 

The straps of the bra followed the same path as the ones on my dress and my top half remained bare.

 

“You are stunning.” I blushed instantly, still not in any way used to receiving compliments from her. “Get used to my words Delphine; I’m going to tell you every day until you believe it.” She cupped my cheek and pressed her lips to mine. It was tender but that only made it more intense.

 

When her lips pulled away from mine, it was only briefly whilst she wriggled free from her own clothing. My breath hitched. Even though the anxiety had eaten away at her soft curves, she was still beautiful and my hands reached out to touch her. The lack of bra sent my heart racing and I felt the arousal starting to pool.

 

“Cosima…” I breathed tenderly, holding her chin in my palm. I brought her closer to me and rubbed our noses together. “ _Je t’aime_.”

 

“I love you too. Thank you for being so patient and wonderful.” A single tear dripped from the corner of her eye.

 

I didn’t answer her; instead I pushed my lips against hers and kissed her passionately, but unhurriedly, drawing out the sensations and enjoying the moment we were in. She shifted on my lap as things got a little more heated and her thigh slipped between my legs.

 

I circled my hips up and she pushed into me, I was reeling in the delightful pressure it caused just where I needed it. Our kisses soon drew to a close and her mouth found residence on my neck instead, sucking and nipping lightly, drawing gasps and moans from my lips.

 

My impatient hands reached out to the lace underwear that covered her rear and traced over her core, I gulped when I felt how wet she was already through the fabric. But before I could push the clothing out of the way, her hand caught my wrist.

 

“Tonight is about you.” She mumbled into my neck, trying to supress a moan. “ _I want you so much._ ” It was all too perfect and I couldn’t keep a few tears of my own at bay. She kissed them away from my cheeks and her hand cupped my breast, rubbing light circles over my nipples. It was enough to drive me crazy, and I could feel myself getting wetter and more impatient.

 

“ _S’il te plait_ , Cosima.” I begged, and she gladly obliged. She moved slightly to the side of me, propping herself up on one arm and withdrew her thigh from my centre. She pulled the dress from my hips and tossed it behind her.

 

“ _Fuck_ , you weren’t wearing any underwear. You are so sexy it’s unreal.” Her fingers ran down the length of my body, stopping briefly to squeeze on my hip bone, before they settled against my heat.

 

“And you’re already so wet, Delphine.”

 

“All for you, _Mon Amour_ , please.” I panted, I needed her. But Cosima drew it out slowly. Her fingers ghosted against me, dragging their way through the wetness and touching ever so lightly on my clit. I could barely feel her, yet it was driving me wild.

 

“More.” I begged and a confident smile graced her lips.

 

She shifted her weight so that she no longer needed the other arm to support her and that hand found its place on the inside of my thigh. Squeezing firmly, nails pinching and moving higher, closer.

 

And then she slipped a finger carefully inside. I threw my head back and a string of French curses left my lips. Her slow onslaught set my body on fire and I knew I wouldn’t last much longer however hard I tried.

 

When another digit joined the first one, I cried out again and she massaged me from the inside, pressing up into the sweet spot. That combined with the gentle circles her other hand was rubbing was enough to shamefully push me over the edge.

 

I clawed at her skin, desperate for something to hold onto as I rode out my high, coming hard, it went on for what felt like forever as I chanted her name over and over.  

 

“ _Holy watershed_ , that was hot. _You are so wet_.” Her fingers still remained at my entrance, swirling through the moisture. I saw an idea flash across her face and she started to descend, kissing her way down my body.

 

“But I’ve only just…” When her tongue touched my clit I was rendered speechless. Her wet muscle traced patterns and drew letters across the bundle of nerves and I couldn’t help but wrap my own digits tightly in her hair.

 

Waves of pleasure shot through my body under her movements and eventually the sensitivity subsided enough for me to drive my hips harder into her face. I felt her moan vibrate against me and I matched her each time, the louder she groaned the louder I shouted.

 

I could feel her body shifting on the bed, and I put two and two together knowing that she would be trying to seek out some kind of pressure against the fabric. The thought of her having no control over her release made me come again, crashing over the edge.

 

I pulled her up towards me, enjoying the taste of myself on her lips. I sucked on the tip of her tongue and she chuckled. When she was least expecting it, I flipped us and pressed her into the mattress. I pressed a kiss against her cheek, and one on her neck before bringing my lips to her ear and uttering the words...

 

“I want to try something...”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so in love with Canon. I was listening to it whilst writing this piece :')


	14. Talk of guests

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, please be careful if you are triggered by anything relating to issues surrounding anxiety.
> 
> Love to you all! Thank you for taking this journey with me <3

“I want to try something...”

 

Cosima looked up at me with hooded obsidian eyes, and nodded encouragingly. I swung my leg back over her waiting body and wriggled my way off the side of the bed. She impatiently asked me where I was going, but I ignored her and continued over to the set of draws located underneath the desk.

 

“Delphine, what are you doing?” She whined irritably and when I briefly glanced back to look at her, she was attempting to use her _petit chiot_ expression on me.

 

“Close your eyes.” I pleaded with her. I wanted it to be a surprise. Finally, my hand brushed the object of my desire, and I wrapped my fingers around it to remove it from the bottom of the draw.

 

Holding the small red metallic bullet vibrator tightly in a clenched fist, I made my way back over to my love, her eyes screwed shut just as I had asked. I laid next to her on the bed, skin flush with hers and placed a chaste kiss on her lips. She tried to deepen it, but I pulled away and trailed a series of licks and nibbles down the line of her neck and over her chest.

 

“Keep your eyes closed, _Mon Amour_.” I scanned my vision across Cosima’s perfect form and I continued to fall deeper in love with her. My fingers ran fiery trails across her skin and I watched as horripilation occurred under the teasing digits.

 

I drew the cold metal toy from my clasped hand, and reached out to touch the tip against already pebbled nipples. She inhaled sharply when the chill of its touch graced the sensitive skin. I withdrew and pulled the bullet to my mouth, wrapping my lips around it to coat it in moisture and then continued my ministrations on her areola, swirling the pointed end across the peaks.

 

 “More, _please_.” Her breaths came in heavier pants, and her hips bucked upwards as she begged for me to go further, to provide her with the long awaited release. The skin around her eyes was crinkled with the force at which they were held shut, but I was not ready for her to open them yet. I wanted the object between my fingers to remain a secret for a little longer.

 

I gave into Cosima’s desperate whispers and ran my fingers through the slick moisture that lingered between her thighs. I teased lightly at her clit with the tip of my index finger, coating it with her desire to swirl easily across the swollen nub. She whimpered under my dainty touches and her back arched and bowed with her want.

 

Sensing her getting a little too breathless too early on, I ceased the assault on her clit and my fingers grazed at her entrance instead. I could feel the blood pumping heavily through her system, her body throbbing against me, the feeling only amplified when I sunk two fingers inside her folds. I twisted against her at a leisurely pace, stroking at her walls, drawing the pleasure out slowly. I revelled in the sensation of her, clenching and tight against my probing digits.

 

I decide then that I would unleash my hidden weapon. Keeping one hand still moving softly inside her, I quickly found the button to the cold toy in my other palm. It buzzed to life on my command and Cosima’s eyes flew open. She studied the red bullet for a while, mouth agape with desire.

 

“Oh my god, Delphine. You dark horse.” She panted cheekily, tongue poked between smiling teeth. Cosima propped herself up on her elbows and her eyes, deep with excitement locked with my own. I confidently touched the tip of the vibrator to her clit. Her head whipped back and a loud moan tumbled from her rosy lips. Her arms buckled and she fell back against the soft sheets of my bed.

 

I switched between circling the vibrator against her clit and holding it hard in place. Both approaches rewarded me with whimpered cries. When I felt her get unbelievably tighter and wetter against the digits inside her heat, I sped up my pumping and wiggled the vibrator in faster motions.

 

“Oh shit, I’m so close, don’t stop!” She yelled out, and I felt a rush of desire flood my body. It never stopped to amaze me, how tuned into her I was. My veins pulsated in sync with the clamping of her walls.

 

“Come for me, _Mon Amour_.” I whispered, and on command she came undone after one final push into her heat. Her walls clenched so tightly around my hand that it was almost impossible to keep up my thrusts and I couldn’t help but let a moan slip from my lips at the squeezing sensation.

 

I continued to pump into her gently, slowing as she came down from her high. When she winced slightly at the pressure from the vibrator against her clit, I drew it away from the sensitive bundle of nerves and switched it off. I tossed the now warm metal toy off the side of the bed, flinching as it clattered loudly onto the floor.

 

I moved to lie next to Cosima and pull her into me, spooning her from behind. I could still feel her heart rattling erratically against the skin of her chest, but her breathing had begun to relax. She pressed herself closer to me and hummed.

 

“That was amazing, you are amazing.” I chuckled and buried my head into her brunette locks to hide the blush tinting my cheeks. “I’ve been thinking though.”

 

“Oh, did it hurt?” She wriggled from my grasp and rolled me over onto my back, pinning my arms above my head in one swift movement. My guilty eyes met a playful expression. Cosima moved my wrists so that she could hold them both with one hand, and raised the other to hover over my ribcage.

 

“ _Non_ , Cosima… You wouldn’t.” I pleaded.

 

“Oh but, Delphine, I _so_ would!” With that, she attacked me with tickling fingertips. I squealed uncontrollably underneath her, squirming against her vice grip on my arms.

 

“ _S’il te plait, s’il te plait_!” I panted, begging her to stop and thankfully she did.

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

An hour or so later we were still laid next to each other tangled underneath the sheets. Only our hands remained entwined, but that was all we needed.

 

“Cosima, can I ask you something?” I twirled her fingers between my own, rubbing soft circles with my thumb.

 

She didn’t give me a verbal reply, only nodded and hummed ever so slightly.

 

“So, you are feeling a bit better, _non?_ I was wondering if maybe you were ready to try seeing Felix and Beth again. Maybe we could make them dinner? We wouldn’t have to go out or anything, we could stay here and just…” I cut myself short, embarrassed about the onslaught of words that fell from my lips. I tried again. “It’s just that Beth mentioned the other day how long it had been, and I want to keep her happy you know?”

 

I watched Cosima shut off to me in that moment. Her features fell hard and I lost her deep in thought.

 

“I don’t know if I’m ready.” She murmured between pursed lips.

 

“I promise just for a little while? I miss them…” I didn’t mean to push, but I just wanted to bring back some normalcy into our lives. I also really did not want to lose our friends; they had already stopped bothering to invite us anywhere. I knew Beth and Felix long before I knew Cosima, and I knew that they were feeling pushed to the side. _Please Cosima, say yes._

 

“Okay, I will try. But stop pushing me Delphine.” She said forcefully and pushed her way out of the bed, storming towards the bathroom. I threw my head in my hands. _Way to go, imbécile._

 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

 

A week soon passed and I found myself clattering around in steaming hot kitchen. The windows had turned almost opaque from the volume of condensation settling on their surface and I constantly had to wipe the perspiration from my brow. Cosima was busying herself in the bath tub, but it was getting late fast and I needed to take a shower before our guests arrived.

 

“Cosima? Are you almost done? I need you to keep an eye on the dinner!”

 

I got to a point where I could leave the various dishes simmering away and made my way towards the bedroom to strip off my damp clothing. I fumbled with the bracelet on my wrist as I entered the room and did not immediately notice Cosima.

 

“Oh, you’re out!” I gasped; I wasn’t expecting her to be out with so little coaxing. When I didn’t get a reply I asked her if she was okay. She was stood facing the mirror wearing nothing but a pair of boy shorts, staring. Her hands were pulling and clasping at each other nervously and every now and again she would attempt to pull at the thin amount of skin under her ribcage.

 

“ _Ma Cherie?_ What is it?”

 

“Delphine, do you still find me attractive?” Her voice wobbled. I watched her tug at the tight skin around her hip bones, it didn’t give under her ministrations and she was met with the firm resistance of bone. I closed the distance between us and took place behind her.

 

I pulled the worrying hands down to her sides and pinned them there until she got the message to not move them. I then wrapped my arms around her form and pressed into her warmth. I gazed into her naked eyes reflected in the mirror, as one hand moved to trace the skin of her neck.

 

“You are so beautiful, Cosima.” I whispered delicately in her ear.

 

“I love the way I can feel your pulse throb against my lips when I kiss your neck.” I punctuated my sentence with a kiss on her sensitive spot and she sighed.

 

“I love the way that you smell when I rest my head on your chest, just like the perfume you wore that night I literally fell into your lap.” My hand moved further down to tickle across her collar bone and brush at the top of her breasts.

 

“I love these.” I grabbed both of them in each hand and squeezed softly. “They are the perfect size and I really enjoy how turned on you get when I play with them.” She sighed again and I felt her push back into me.

 

“I love your stomach and the way that it curves delightfully into the shape of your hips. This is my favourite part.” I dusted my fingertips gently across her ribcage and across the plains of her tummy to land holding each hip.

 

My gaze was still locked with hers the whole time and I couldn’t hide the tear that made an escape from the corner of my eye. I was never any good at controlling my emotions, and tears made a far too regular appearance recently.

 

“I love making you come with my mouth, and I love how wet you get for me.” I leant into her further to stroke at the insides of her thighs, brushing at her clit lightly as they passed and her legs buckled.

 

“Your legs are stunning, and I love how strong they are when you wrap them around me. Your skin is so unbelievably soft. Cosima, please believe me. You are the most beautiful thing to me on this planet. Not just your body but your mind, your passion and your intellect.”

 

“ _Please believe me.”_ I choked again, tears flowing more freely now, dropping onto her shoulders. “ _Désolé…_ ”

 

“I love you; you are too good for me, Delphine. One day you’ll get fed up.” The last part was spoken in barely a whisper. Cosima turned in my arms and I wrapped her in a tight cuddle as she started to shake with the force of her own cries.

 

“Never.” I responded.

 

Beeping from the kitchen interrupted our embrace and she quickly stepped back, shaking off the tears and wiping frantically at her eyes with the backs of her hands.

 

“I’ll um, get that.” She muttered and fled the room.

 

“Cosima, stir it a few times and then it should be fine to leave simmering until I get back!” I yelled after her, heading into the bathroom to take the much needed shower.

 

Just as I was about to step under the flow of water a loud clattering of saucepans and pots sounded from the other room. I groaned and let my head fall against cold white tiles in despair.

 

“What was that? Be careful!” I shouted to her, but didn’t hear any kind of reply, so I left her to her own devices and continued with my shower, well aware that we were running out of time. I felt nervously excited. It had been a while since we had entertained company, but I was looking forward to seeing their jovial faces and battling against Felix’s strange sense of humour. I really had missed them.

 

Doing the last few buttons up on my white long sleeved shirt, I wandered into the kitchen to check what damage Cosima had caused. There were pots and utensils strewn across the worktops, but thankfully nothing was burnt.

 

“How did you even make this much mess in twenty minutes?!” I couldn’t help but laugh at my ridiculous girlfriend. She never failed to amaze me.

 

“Cosima?” I asked again when I receive a reply. I glanced over my shoulder and caught her sat stiffly on the sofa. I sighed internally. _She looks unwell again. I’m going to have to cancel._ I panicked and couldn’t help but feel chagrined. All the effort we had gone to and she was going to make us pull out last minute. It was probably the last chance we would get with our friends, and it was all going to hell.

 

It wasn’t until a lot later on in our relationship that I realised that her anxiety made me anxious too. The constant walking on eggshells and feeling on edge that she would have an attack anywhere and everywhere each time we left the comfort of the flat. I no longer felt safe around her emotions and the longer it went on, the more I struggled to control my own.

 

I took a moment to pour myself a glass of cold water from the fridge and take a few deep breaths. Shouting would never work and would only make the situation worse. I needed to put my own feelings aside and try to support her – a mantra I got used to repeating to myself. _She matters, you don’t_.

 

I watched her carefully as I walked to her side of the room. Her hands were wearing holes in the fabric of her jeans, scratching and pulling at the material. I knelt down in front of her and settled between her thighs.

 

“Come on, _chéri_. You can do this. You’ve known these people for years; they aren’t going to judge you. We’re just going to have some dinner and catch up on each other’s lives. I _know_  that you can do it. Please.”

 

“You don’t understand!” She snapped, and pushed me away from her vehemently. I fell flat on my tail bone, wincing. But quickly shook it off and rose up to her again, hands on her knees.

 

 “Sorry, oh god, I’m so sorry Delphine... I’m scared.”

 

 “I know you are scared, but I promise you, if at any point it is too much, just say and we can ask them to leave.”

 

“I don’t want them to know that anything is wrong.” Deep down, we both knew that they already knew there were problems, but knowing and seeing were two completely different things. I understood that. I understood more than she gave me credit for. What I didn’t understand was how much pressure to apply, and when to let things go. It was a game of chance.

 

 “You’ve got this, be strong, _Mon Amour_.” My eyes watered again, _merde_. But this time I smiled through the tears, just as there was a knock on the door.

 

“Here we go.” I gave her thigh one last squeeze and rose to let our guests inside.

 

 


	15. Do I look better to you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is getting harder and harder to write. It is weird to pull at memories that I worked on burying away for so long. But here we are! I'm actually feeling pretty down at the moment, but I'm guessing it is all part of the healing process right?
> 
> I appreciate all of the kind words you have shared with me throughout this journey.
> 
> You are all strong and you can all achieve your goals!
> 
> As always, proceed with caution. Things get heavy below <3

“Here we go.” I gave her jean-clad thigh one last firm squeeze and rose from my knees to let our guests inside. I scanned the room quickly on my way up, checking that everything was in order. The place was spotless.

 

“Wait, Delphine.” Cosima impish hand reached out and traced its way up the inside of my leg. “We could still…” She gripped my ass determinedly with both hands and squeezed hard, my breath caught in my throat. “…cancel on them. I promise, I’ll make it _so_ worth your while.” She purred seductively.

 

Another knock sounded hollowly at the door and an impatient voice shouted through the mahogany. I would be lying if I said that Cosima’s idea didn’t weigh heavily on my mind in that moment. For if both of us were to remain silent, maybe we could convince our guests that they had the wrong…

 

“Delphine, Cosima! Open up! I’m not standing out here like a fool all night. I know you’re in there, I can hear you shuffling around.” That gave me a moments clarity and I took a step back from the temptress in front of me.

 

“I know what you are doing, _mon Amour_. Points for trying though.”

 

“Please? We’ll rearrange again soon, I promise.” I had to look away when she begged, _petit chiot_ eyes pleading with my own; it would be far too easy for me to give into her damaged expression, she certainly knew how to call upon my protective nature over her. Even if it was for _evil_.

 

“Cosima, they are already here, the dinner is ready. There is no better time than now. We’ve been through this, it will be okay.” As I spoke I headed for the front door. I heard her sigh and sink back into the cushions. I’m pretty sure I even heard a mumbled _bitch_ , but I chose to ignore it.

 

I fumbled with the lock slightly to signify that someone was at least attempting to open the door to our guests, but took a moment to breathe deep before swinging open the barrier to our home. My palms were sticky. _I am nervous_ , I noted.

 

“Darling!” Felix guffawed and pulled me into a tight embrace and my worries were soon extinguished. Peeking over his shoulder I could see Beth shifting uncertainly on her feet. She raised her hand in a coy wave – it didn’t suit her.

 

“Hey, stranger.” She followed and my lips couldn’t help but curl up into a smile. I had missed my best friend. When Felix finally released me and waltzed into the apartment like he owned the place, I wrapped Beth into a snug squeeze of my own. But not before mouthing a gentle reminder to him. _Be gentle with her._

 

“Get off me you soppy git.” Beth snorted, pushing at my shoulders playfully. “How is she?” She half whispered, glancing over at my lover. We both watched her for a while from open doorway with Felix. He had plonked himself down on the couch right next to her and was filling her in on some story from their latest adventures down at Bobby’s. Her hands were still twitching against her thighs, but she seemed to be channelling the nervous energy well, and the longer he spoke to her, the more she visibly relaxed.

 

“There is progress. Let’s go talk in the kitchen; I need to check on the dinner.” Beth trailed closely after me into the house and I closed the door silently behind us. I heard her mumble out a quick hey as we passed the pair on the sofa.

 

With Felix and Cosima busy laughing at some kind of comedy show on the television, that gave Beth and I a chance to talk properly.

 

“So how are you?” She asked sympathetically.

 

“I’m worn-out and I’m worried, but I’m hopeful that things are starting to get better. After all, you guys are here right? That has to mean something.” I couldn’t help the questioning in my voice, I was as eager to convince myself of my words as I was Beth.

 

“She doesn’t look good though, Del.” She chanced.

 

“I know, but the therapy, it could work. We could solve this and things could go back to how they were before. I’d get my Cosima back.”

 

“Look, I’m going to be honest with you. I can see how much you are hurting, and don’t you think there would be more progress by now if the therapy was working? I’ve not seen you for months, Delphine. Are you sure it wouldn’t just be wiser to leave?”

 

I scoffed. “I love her, Beth. I cannot abandon her when she needs me. It isn’t right.”

 

“But you need someone too. You aren’t yourself either.”

 

“It’s just the stress, I’ll be okay when she is okay. Things will get better.”

 

“It’s your decision, but just know I’m here if you need anything.” She walked away from the kitchen area and went to start setting up the table to eat.

 

“Yeah, thank you.” I couldn’t help but feel bitter. I knew Beth meant well, but I needed her support. What I didn’t need was for her to tell me to leave. I regret to say I had considered it, but of course it was not a viable option. I made a promise to love her and to look after her, wherever life takes us. Cosima was my _soulmate_ , and that counted for everything. And the ultimate truth was that I just didn’t want to be away from her.

 

I announced that dinner was ready and plated up four equal amounts onto the white porcelain. I watched as Cosima rose from the couch with Felix in tow, laughing. He made her smile, she looked happy and most importantly, her hands had stilled. My heart swelled. _Progress, right?_

 

The main course went down incredibly well and soon enough I was clearing four empty plates from the table. It was everything I had imagined and more. Dinner with our two closest friends and a table made up of excited chatter, laughing and joking.

 

“Delphine, you are spoiling us!” Felix roared when I brought out desert from the small under counter fridge.

 

“ _Oui_ , only the best for my favourite people.” I smiled and winked at him. As I served Cosima her bowl, I gave her a gentle squeeze on the shoulder, and she looked up at me with a small smile tugging at the corner of her lips. _She was trying_.

 

“To the host!” Beth called out, raising her beer bottle rambunctiously into the centre of the table, liquid spilling out the top as she collided it forcefully with Felix’s. As we munched almost silently through desert, Cosima started to appear unfocused again. I felt my heart rate rise rapidly; _please hold out a little longer_.

  

I placed my hand on her knee under the table to try and soothe the anxiety and leant over to whisper quietly in her ear. “ _Ma Cherie_ , you are doing so well, don’t look so worried.”

 

“It’s too much now, I can’t…” Her chair squealed noisily against the laminate as she slid out of her seat and quickly bolted towards the bedroom.  I made a move to go after her, but Felix grabbed my wrist and pulled me back down.

 

“Leave her, she’ll be okay until we’ve finished here.” I reluctantly agreed. “She’s a strong girl our Cosima, she’ll get there Delphine. You are doing a really good job, both of you.” The tears welled before I could make an attempt stop them and Felix came around to my side of the table, drawing me into a strong hug as I sobbed against his chest.

 

In my peripheral I watched Beth gather the rest of the dishes and take them to the kitchen. I heard the faint sounds of the dishwasher being loaded as Felix rubbed soothing circles against my back as the cries grew further apart.

 

“Je suis désolé.”

 

“Don’t worry about it. Look, we’ll make a move now. Thank you both for a wonderful evening and remember, we are always around. Go talk to her and make sure she is okay.” We parted with a friendly kiss on both cheeks.

 

I turned to Beth. “Thank you for getting the dishes. Sorry it didn’t end quite how I expected.” I apologised.

 

“Not at all, Del. I’m just pleased to have seen you after so long. But remember what I said earlier; put yourself first, because I don’t want to lose you too. Goodnight.”

 

If Beth was the Devil on my shoulder, leading me to the dark side of my thoughts, then Felix was the Angel. The Devil tempted me into leaving behind all of the stress and exhaustion, and the Angel congratulated me for being so strong and doing right by the light of my life. Ultimately the Angel always won overall, as did love, but it did not mean that sometimes a small part of me did not wish I could have taken the ‘easy’ path long ago.

 

I knocked on the bedroom door softly, calling out to her.

 

“Cosima, are you okay?” When I heard a muffled yes respond back, I entered the room. She was curled up in the foetal position at the bottom of the bed, dried briny tear tracks marked her cheeks and her glasses sat wonky on her face.

 

“Oh, Chérie.” I endeavoured to straighten her out amongst the sheets, and heaved her upper body towards the plump pillows. She resisted at first, but in time warmed to my touch as I curled up behind her, enfolding her in my arms.

 

I breathed in the scent at her neck and nuzzled my face into her brunette locks, enjoying the scratchy texture against the plain of my cheek.

 

“I’m sorry I ruined your night.” She mumbled, still sniffling.

 

“ _Non_ , _mon Amour_ , it was perfect. I am so proud of you, our friends, they had a good time.”

 

“Don’t mother me, Delphine.” Cosima grunted back, and I ignored the stab of discomfort that itched at the surface of my chest at her words.

 

“Désolé. How do you think that the therapy is going? There have definitely been positive improvements, I am certain of it.” I chanced a potentially sore and risky subject; this was the first time I had the courage to speak of it.

 

The stark and aggressive reaction thrown in my direction reminded me of why I had avoided asking for so long.

 

“What, are you checking up on me now?” She barked, wriggling out my grasp and standing from the bed.

 

“Non, Cosima, I…” She interrupted me inhospitably.

 

“This is fucking stupid. This whole thing. Inviting people over, pretending everything is okay. Pretending that I’m ever going to be anyone than this shell of myself for the rest of my life.” She paced the room up and down, pulling at her hair. The frustration was evident in her eyes and the fury glistened behind the black frames.

 

I felt my own irritation begin to boil over; all I ever did was endeavour to do my absolute best for her. I was as blind and helpless in this as she was.

 

“I’m trying to help you, don’t be brat.” I couldn’t do anything to stop the venom from seeping into my words, but I regretted it instantly and reached out to attempt to soothe her wounds. She shook me off in her rage and I sat defeated at the end of the bed, head in my hands.

 

“Well it isn’t fucking helping, Delphine is it? Look at me; do I look better to you?”

 

“I just thought that…”

 

“You thought wrong.” She hissed and the speed of her incessant pacing increased.

 

“Cosima, what happened? Why are you this angry?”

 

“Because I’m so fucking guilty that’s why.”

 

I didn’t dare ask what she had done. I didn’t want to twist the dagger that was now embedded so deeply in my core. Not that it mattered, she continued at any rate.

 

“I’m not going to the therapy.” The pacing stopped. She stood and looked at me face on, bottom lip trembling. Her arms reached out towards me, restless at her sides. The ire that resided in her spectacles had absconded and all that remained behind the torrent of tears were the fragmented shards of my lover’s soul.

 

“What?” I choked out between the sobs falling from my own lips.

 

“I’m so sorry, I couldn’t do it. I tried, but it was too much.”

 

“You start work in 7 weeks, Cosima. You have to be better by then if you want to keep your place at the Dyad.”

 

“Don’t you think I don’t know that?” She sobbed hysterically. “Fuck Delphine, I can’t sit in that plain room and listen to someone tell me how I should feel. It doesn’t feel right.”

 

As always with Cosima, my resentment quickly dissipated and I leapt up from the bed to take the damaged girl into my arms. _Some might call me a pushover_.

 

“Shh, _mon Amour_. Come.” I lead her back to bed by her hand and tucked her in snugly under the covers. I resumed my position, as it was before our disagreement and pressed myself securely beside her back.

 

“I promise I’ll go back and try again. For you.”

 

“I don’t want to lose you completely, Cosima. We’ve lost so much already.”

 

“Sometimes I barely recognise myself anymore.”

 

“I don’t either sometimes. But you are in there, and those moments that we get, outweigh all of the bad in the world. Because I have you and I love you. We will do this and we can get through it, you are strong.”

 

“I’m sorry. I don’t deserve you, Delphine. Sometimes I think that you would be better off without me. I’m holding you back; you are losing your friends and your life because of me.”

 

“ _Non_ , you don’t get to do this. Not after everything we have been through.”

 

“I don’t want to hurt you more than I already have.” She whispered and it was like I heard the moment that she gave up.

 

Her words it felt like tiny splinters of glass pushing their way through my soul, and the pain and overwhelming sadness constricted itself tightly against my chest. The tears flowed freely as I watched her leave the bed once again and begin to dress herself. I was helpless to stop any of it.

 

“Cosima, please, you don’t have to do this.” I said flatly.

 

“Look at you. Look what I keep doing to you. I can’t do this anymore. I need to figure this shit out, you deserve me as a whole.”

 

“ _Je t’aime!”_ I sobbed out into the dark room.

 

“I love you, more than anything. But that is why I am doing this, Delphine. I’m going to get help, I’m going to do it for you and I’m going to do it for us. But until then, I can’t keep dragging you down with me.” Cosima sniffled into the jumper she was pulling over her head, wiping at her tears with the sleeves once the material covered her form.

 

“This is not what I want; this won’t make me happy _Chérie_.” I spoke dejectedly; the sobs that wracked my body had drained me of the energy to fight her any longer. “Please, don’t leave me.” I spoke tenderly to her in a final plea.

 

“I can’t live with the guilt of what I’m doing to you. You are so perfect and so wonderful, you don’t deserve it.” She shook her head, gaze locked on the floor.

 

“Don’t take my right to make a decision away from me, _mon Amour_. Surely it is up to me to decide what I do or do not deserve?” She seemed to mull over the idea for a while. I sat in hope, praying that she went with her heart rather than that brilliant mind of hers.

 

“One last time, Delphine. If I screw this up again, if I _hurt_ you again, I won’t be able to live with myself.” Her voice caught in a hiccup as she swiped at the wet tracks on her cheeks again with the sweater.

 

“Then get yourself better, not just for me, for you.” I gestured for her to her to come to me.

 

“I am going to make you proud, so proud.” She approached me with a promise thick in her voice and cupped my face in her hands. I wrapped my fingers securely around the back of her neck and drew her in for an unhurried kiss. Our mouths danced together in perfect synchronisation and I drew everything I possibly could from the moment, savouring the taste of her tear-salted lips against mine and revelling in the static that still crackled between us.

 

“I know.”


	16. Real Progress

As with every other morning I was startled conscious by the cacophonous sound of Cosima’s alarm in my ear. I was going to have to snap her from this habit of sleeping with the phone under the pillow. _Completely unnecessary_ , I muttered under my breath. The inharmonious bleeping eventually silenced itself, but I knew it would only be a matter of time before… _oh, there it goes again._ Groaning, I searched with one hand under the pillows, eyes still squeezed shut and not quite ready to face the day ahead.

 

During my unsuccessful fumbling the alarm sounded a further three times. _How is she still asleep?_ I asked myself, shaking my head. After the fourth time, I found the bastard phone and shut it off, but not before glancing quickly at the time. Six minutes until I needed to get in the shower.

 

I prised my eyes open, knowing that it would take more than a few feeble attempts before they would welcome the suns bright hello. I blinked a few times as I rolled onto my back and rubbed the sleep from my eyes. Next came the stretches, _god that feels good_ , a small moan escaped my lips as I pulled at the cramped muscles. With three minutes of bed time remaining I rolled the rest of the way to my left and let myself wonder at the sleeping girl next to me.

 

I chuckled as I studied her. Her dreads were tussled onto the pillow framing her face, her mouth was drooped open the slightest amount and a bead of drool hung at the crease of her lips. Her naked eyes were smudged with the remains of yesterday’s eye-liner and her black frames sat neatly folded on the bedside table.

 

A tight black tank top covered her upper body, the hard peaks of her nipples visible through the flimsy cotton and a deft hand sat snugly in her sleep boxers, cupping her heat. She took my breath away every morning, even in her unconscious state.

 

I nudged her from the brink of sleep and whispered in a ticklish ear. “ _Bonjour, belle fille._ ” She shifted slightly and let out a content sigh, but as with most mornings, sleep had a too powerful grasp on her and she was soon snoring away again.

 

Three minutes up. Sighing and treating myself to a few more stretches I kicked the duvet from the lower half of my body and swung my legs out into the brisk morning air. I winced as my feet hit the ground, ankles sore under the unfamiliar weight of my body. Smiling at the sleeping brunette one last time, I begrudgingly made my way towards the bathroom as silently as I could. Though the creaking floorboards were incredibly unforgiving and I flinched as she stirred.

 

The clatter of the toilet seat crashing against the porcelain made me jump and I whipped back the shower curtain to be greeted with a guilty but also half satisfied smile from Cosima plonked on the toilet.

 

“Do you have to do that whilst I’m in the shower?” I grimaced, though by now I should be used to the disturbances during my morning wash.

 

“I was desperate, it couldn’t wait!” She chuckled cheekily. I rolled my eyes and closed the curtain behind me to finish up washing the suds from my flattened curls. “Delphine!” I just heard her muffled, over the cascade of water in my ears. “I’ll make you some breakfast. What do you want?”

 

“Nothing unless you’ve washed those hands, _Chérie_.”

 

“Ew, of course I have. I’ll do your usual.”

 

“ _Merci_ , _mon amour_.” I yelled back through the mist, just before I heard the door to the bathroom slam shut behind her, the mirror rattling against the wall with the force. “Cosima!” _She is like a whirlwind sometimes_ …

 

I wrapped the towel around my hair to soak up as much of the water as I could whilst I pulled the navy blue suit trousers and blazer from the wardrobe. I smiled as I tugged the tight legs over my ankles; this was Cosima’s favourite of all of them. I knew we had plans to meet after I was finished in the lab and wanted to have her thinking about me all day.

 

When I followed my nose to the kitchen, I purposefully left the top six buttons of my fitted white shirt open, and slung the blazer over my shoulder for the time being. My tousled curls fell loosely against my shoulders, and a few drips stained the shoulders of shirt, turning it translucent.

 

“Mmm, Dr Cormier! You are looking fine!” Cosima drawled, over emphasising the ‘I’ in fine. She immediately dropped the spatula she was holding into the frying pan and danced over to me, slipper boots shuffling across the laminate.

 

She shimmied her body close to mine so that no air could pass between us, and wrapped her hands around the back of my neck. My own hands rested on her hips. Foreheads pressed together, we just enjoyed each other’s company for a while and her soft exhales of breath tickled my face. I couldn’t resist pressing my lips to hers in what I planned to be a chaste kiss, but when she opened up to me I was instantaneously drawn in by her.

 

I pushed her back into the counter, I could hear the pan spattering in the distance and the faint smell of burning assaulted my nose, but all I could focus on was her tight form pressed against me and the delightful sounds she was producing. My hands on her hips squeezed hard and slipped round to palm at her rear, before hoisting her up onto the worktop.

 

“ _Oh god, Delphine_.” She moaned into my mouth and pushed her hips upwards to grind against my middle. Stopping her was the last thing I wanted to do, but I could not afford to be late to work again this week, not to mention the burning scent was growing ever stronger.

 

“Cosima…” I breathed out, making a move to pull away. But she misread my intentions and only heaved me into her harder, the relentless pressing against my stomach grew faster and more frantic and soon enough she was whimpering into my collarbone.

 

“I’m close.” She wailed, and bit down hard at my neck.

 

“ _Merde_ …” I whispered. It was too late to stop now, work would have to wait. I could feel the moisture of her arousal seeping through her sleep boxers and through the material of the formerly clean shirt I had on.

 

Her breath hitched sharply and I felt her entire body tense hard as she screamed a muffled moan against my skin. Her hands grabbed desperately at any skin they could find purchase on and I helped her along by pushing my hips continuously into the counter as she rode out the waves.

 

I held her tightly as she came down and pressed a kiss to her temple. Now I definitely couldn’t ignore the burning, a slight mist of smoke filled the kitchen.

 

“ _Merde!_ Cosima, the breakfast!”

 

“Oh shit, let me grab it babe.” Whilst Cosima went to deal with the mess we had created, I took a moment to straighten up my shirt, my insides clenching with desire as I noticed the evident patch of wetness in the centre.

 

“Look what you did to my fresh shirt, _mon amour_.” I wiped furiously at the spot with a tea-towel, a smug smile on my face, but it didn’t get me anywhere so I soon gave in and just buttoned up the blazer over the top.

 

Glancing at the clock on the wall I realised it was already way past my usual leaving time. Disappointingly I had to swap my gorgeous, _séductrice_ of a girlfriend for a lab coat and petri dishes.

 

“Cosima, I really must go…” I said with a clear hint of sadness to my voice.

 

“That’s okay! I made you some lunch last night; it is on the top shelf in the fridge.” She affirmed, both hands elbow deep in dish water.

 

“ _Merci, à ce soir_.” I pressed a final kiss to her cheek and rushed from the apartment.

 

The walk to work was thankfully short, but I still left with enough time to revel in the crisp early morning air. It burnt at my lungs with every inhale, yet refreshed me down to the core. Birds hummed in the trees and the sunrise turned the buildings an ethereal shade of auburn.

 

I wrenched the blazer tauter around my body, regretful that I didn’t stop to pick up a jacket in my haste. I hoped that increasing my pace would provide my body with enough warmth to make it into the lab. The walk always provided me with a chance to reflect.

 

Since the deplorably serious conversation Cosima and I had over three weeks ago now, a lot had changed. She finally took the leap and scheduled in weekly therapy appointments that I now _half_ accompanied her to. Though my role was less important, I merely sat in the nearest coffee shop until the hour ticked by, and then picked up a cake for her on my way out.

 

But she seemed happier in herself, and I in turn began to relax and learn to take things as they came. The stress began to dwindle into nothingness and we focussed on enjoying each other’s company for the time being. With no expectations, there was nowhere for her to fail and therefore she had the confidence to throw herself into everything will full abandon. We made do with what we were given, and it worked for us.

 

As today was _finally_ Friday, that marked us into week three of her sessions. My eight hours in the lab passed quickly and I barely had time to stop and eat the lunch that she had so lovingly prepared. The cheeky but adorable note she left tucked under the sandwich was the highlight to my day and I pinned it to the noticeboard over my desk along with the others. Cosima teased me for my soppiness, but I knew about the box she kept under the bed full of mementos of our time together.

 

My phone buzzed noisily on the desk signifying not only the end of my working day and the long awaited weekend, but also Cosima’s arrival outside. I eagerly gathered up my belongings and declared a brief goodbye to the technician, Scott on my way out.

 

“ _Bonsoir, ma Cherie!”_ I called over to her. She was perched precariously upon the wall to the large water feature that graced the front steps of the building. The cascades of water framed her form much like something from a movie and the late afternoon rays made her face glow. She wobbled as she tried to jump down to greet me.

 

“Please be careful, Cosima.” I warned playfully, not quite wanting to fish her from the depths of the pool at the bottom of the fountain. Once her feet were safely flat on the ground, she tugged at the maroon dress where it had ridden up. I couldn’t help the grin that spread across my face at her appearance. Her dreads were pulled up into a neat bun, and her eyes were neatly framed with her signature eyeliner underneath the black rims rested on her nose. A blush from the sun coloured her cheeks pink and she looked _vraiment exceptionnelle._

 

“Ready to go?” She swayed somewhat in the heeled ankle boots that covered her feet and I steadied her as I pulled her into an embrace. I felt her nod against me.

 

“How was your day?” Cosima asked, our hands swung between our bodies as we walked across the city to the therapy centre.

 

“Fine, but I am just glad I get to spend the whole weekend with you now.” I replied, a small smile graced my features.

 

“I couldn’t stop thinking about this morning. I really missed you.” She looked up at me impishly and bumped her hip into mine with a wink.

 

“Cheeky girl.” I said, shaking my head. But I could emphasise with her on that, I hadn’t been able to shake the feeling of her coming against my stomach from my train of thought the entire day.

 

“I’ll be in the usual place if you need anything, _Chérie_.” We arrived outside the centre with only a few minutes to spare before her appointment, so I hastily shooed her inside and wished her a good session. A yawn overtook me as I waved my goodbye and decided that I was in desperate need of the coffee that the next hour had to offer.


End file.
